As promised, I want to talk to you about ideas of how to figure out what you may be looking for in a partner. However, I would first like to thank you all for your comments and feedback.

After my last post, I spoke to a couple of friends who actually had taken the time to think about what they wanted. They had some pretty good ideas as to what they wanted in their partner. One of my friends had given a lot of thought to this and shared some really specific qualities of what they were looking for. However, there were a few things that still surprised me. One person felt that being too specific actually kept them from making a connection. Presently they have a different approach and try to be more flexible with their idea of what they want. As excited as I am about sharing my ideas I want you to understand that everyone is different. I can’t stress this enough. My ideas are to be used only as general guidelines. However, you have to let your heart tell you what really feels good to you. After all you are searching for your happiness.

When we talk about what we want, it is very important to identify core qualities we want or maybe need in our partner from things we would prefer in our partner. After all, we are trying to find that magical connection that can only be achieved if its rooted in our core. When I was younger, my idea of the perfect girl was a 5’10 to 6 foot, blond, about 130 to 140 lbs, fitness competitor, green eyes, milky white skin with a great smile. As you can see my motivation was not to find a deep rooted connection. Although my physical demands of the person I was looking for were really specific, these qualities were not the types of qualities that really help establish a deeply rooted connection. These qualities in my list where all superficial and did not tell me anything about the real person. The qualities on my list would be better categorized as preferences. Even though I would still prefer to have those things in my partner, now that I’m older, there are additional core qualities that would be hands down  more important to me. I think it’s safe to say that as you do this exercise some of the things in your list will also change. As for my list, the changes are dramatic. Allowing our self the flexibility to learn to appreciate different things is not only a good thing but necessary. If I was not open minded about my earlier list, I may have passed on meeting that amazing 5’6 red head, with the amazing attitude about life, who is honest, caring, warm, sweet, lighthearted, smart and funny. I’m sure at some point we have met someone who may have been perfect for us and missed the opportunity of being with them due to our focus being on the preferences and not the core qualities we need in our partner. I can honestly say I’m guilty of this and I’m just happy that I can reflect on it and know that I’ve learned from it. This only helps me have a clear yet open and flexible attitude about the perfect person for me.

Recently, someone asked me how I felt about sharing intimate things about myself with all of you? They have been a part of my life for a really long time and for as long as we’ve been friends, they’ve known me to be a rather privet person. My answer was “There are not enough words to describe how satisfying it is to me to help people be happy”. With this in mind I would like to guide you through an exercise that may help you determine what is important to you. I’ll do the exercise as it applies to me and share how I work through this myself. If you read this and feel that this will help you, I invite you to try it and share what you find out.

First I would start by thinking of qualities that are important to me and begin to list them. Remember, this list is not a list of preferences but rather a list of core values or qualities. They don’t have to be in any order so just have fun with this and write what comes to your mind.

Honesty

Loyalty

Lighthearted

Respectful

Adventurous

Healthy

Smart/Intelligent

Strong

Independent

Balanced

Positive

Trusting

As you can imagine, this list can become really long. For the example we will just use these 11 qualities. If you are doing this don’t worry about how long your list is. The more things on your list, the more clear you will be on what your needs are.

Now that we have our list, we need to find out what these things mean to us. You see, honesty can mean many different things and our interpretation of honesty may be different than that of our prospective partner. If we are clear on what honesty means to us, while we are getting to know our prospective partner, we can hold conversations about the topic and see if we agree with each other. As we get to know them, the more qualities that we agree on, the better the possibilities for a good connection.

Honesty:

  • Being truthful
  • Someone who is honest with themselves as well as with me
  • Someone who can tell me what they need from me

Loyalty:

  • Values me as special
  • Puts me and my needs first before anyone else other then themselves (kids being the exception to this)
  • Someone who share their intimacy only with me

Lighthearted:

  • Someone who can laugh at life
  • Someone who knows not to treat every situation like is life or death
  • Free spirited

Respectful:

  • Someone who keep our personal life personal
  • Someone who deals with disagreements in a collective manner
  • Someone who is not aggressive or insulting under any circumstance
  • Respect boundaries

Adventurous:

  • Willing to try new things
  • Open minded to share new ideas
  • A little on the wild side

Healthy:

  • Health conscious
  • Active
  • Tries to eat healthy

Smart/Intelligent:

  • Likes to learn new things
  • Intellect
  • Has educated opinions

Strong:

  • Not afraid
  • Can stand their ground
  • Dynamic

Independent:

  • Forms their own opinions and ideas
  • Not needy
  • Is their own person

Balanced :

  • Can separate personal life and professional life
  • Understands mind body and spirit
  • Thinks before acts

Positive:

  • Looks for the good in everything
  • Confident about their life
  • Enjoys life for what it is

Trusting:

  • Allows me to be me
  • Allows for me to feel like a free person
  • Know my intentions
  • Feels secure of what I offer

We have just drilled down the first layer of meaning for each and every one of the qualities on my list. To get a deeper sense of meaning from each one of these qualities, we can drill down a 2nd layer as shown below. We do this by asking the magical question. What does this mean to me? For example: Honesty, to me, means being truthful. What does being truthful mean? Whatever the answer to that question is would be the 2nd layer. If I wanted to go deeper, you could as the same questions about the answer you get and so on and so on.

Honesty:

  • Being truthful
    • 100% truth always regardless if the truth will hurt me
    • Someone who is honest with themselves as well as with me
      • Check with themselves to really know where they stand as far as us
      • Someone who can tell me what they need from me
      • Who is not afraid of how I will react regardless of what it is

Loyalty:

  • Values me as special
    • Unlike no other
    • Puts me and my needs first before anyone else other then themselves (kids being the exception to this)
      • My well being is their #1 concern
      • Someone who share their intimacy only with me
      • Shares intimate moments with me and keeps those things privet & special

Light Hearted:

  • Someone who can laugh at life
    • Can appreciate irony
    • Someone who knows not to treat every situation like is life or death
      • Faces problems as obstacles that can be overcome
      • Free spirited
      • Likes to have fun

Respectful:

  • Someone who keep our personal life personal
    • Deals with disagreements or emotional things in privet, respects public places
    • Someone who deals with disagreements in a collective manner
      • Behaves adult like and talks through things, understands we all make mistakes and works through them
      • Someone who is not aggressive or insulting under any circumstance
      • Knows we are both people and treats me as such
      • Respect boundaries
      • Doesn’t make me do anything I don’t want to

Adventurous:

  • Willing to try new things
    • Explores life with me
    • Open minded to share new ideas
      • Shares new experiences with me
      • A little on the wild side
      • Like a little adrenaline

Healthy:

  • Health conscious
    • Takes care of themselves
    • Active
      • Works out, stays fit
      • Tries to eat healthy
      • Not in to eating McDonalds everyday

Smart/Intelligent:

  • Likes to learn new things
    • Reeds
    • Intellect
      • educated
      • Has educated opinions
      • Shares what they learn or the interpretation of things they learn

Strong:

  • Not afraid
    • Fearless
    • Can stand their ground
      • Don’t have a problem facing life on their own
      • Strong enough to deal with my honesty without freaking out
      • Dynamic
      • Has purpose or goals

Independent:

  • Forms their own opinions and ideas
    • Doesn’t let people manipulate their thoughts
    • Not needy
      • Not clingy
      • Is their own person
      • They do what they want or like what they like not just what is cool by the eyes of society

Balanced :

  • Can separate personal life and professional life
    • Leaves work at work
    • Understands mind body and spirit
      • Values spiritual health, physical health & mental health
      • Thinks before acts
      • Is not emotional about everything and reactive all the time

Positive:

  • Looks for the good in everything
    • When things don’t go their way they look for the good that came from it
    • Confident about their life
      • Feels their life is great as long as they are doing their best
      • Enjoys life for what it is
      • Enjoys the ups and downs

Trusting:

  • Allows me to be me
    • Is not threaten by my being friendly and out going
    • Allows for me to feel like a free person
      • Understand that I’m with them because I want to be with them
      • Know my intentions
      • Knows at the end of the day I’m with them
      • Feels secure of what I offer

As you can see, you can really get a better picture of each of these qualities by drilling down and digging deeper. Now I’m only digging to the 2nd layer for this example. I recommend that you go at least 3 to 4 layers deep. By doing this, you might find out something new about yourself as well as who you are looking for. I hope that this helps you get a good understanding of your needs.

As you can imagine, I can’t share all of my ideas on this blog. Next week, I will be discussing actual strategy ideas of how to attract the people you like and need as well as where to look for these magical creatures that we so need in our lives. Thank you and I look forward to sharing more with you next Thursday.

By: Alexis Solorzano

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