Breaking Up, Right & Wrong Tuesday, Dec 7 2010 

Break ups are never easy. Sometimes they tent to make us think and question ourselves. Have you ever been in a break up where you stopped and wondered how did it all come about? Maybe you put your all into the relationship and somehow it was not enough. Have you ever asked yourself, how can that person not appreciate what they had in me? It’s understandable to ask these questions. You look around and notice how people treat each-other and you know in your heart with no doubt that you were gold when you compare your behavior to other’s. However, somehow the person you were with could not see the value in you and your relationship fell apart. As you stand there and watch it all crumble, you can’t help but wonder how did it all dissolve into nothing?

If you’ve been there, you know these times in your life are never easy. If you are going through something similar to what I’m describing, you have my sympathy. I know you’re facing some really tough moments powerful enough to rock your emotional foundation. If you’ve never been there and don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m really sorry. I wish I could tell you that you will never have to live through this but chances are at some point or another you will face this horrible feeling. This is a sour drink we must taste and if we are lucky, we get to learn a few things from it. Now, let’s talk about some of the things we might be thinking when facing this dramatic section of the master piece called our life… When you face these heart wrenching moments, do you tend to look around and find that some of the rudest people are with the nicest people? By some mysterious nature the really sweet, cute sexy girl is constantly chasing the lame, short, rude jerk. The really nice, hopeless romantic guy is in love with the plastic, trashy, ridiculously mean girl who has no self respect or respect for others. How can we not be appreciated when we are so great? We are nice, lovable, passionate, friendly, funny, supportive and cute and the list goes on and on. In addition, when things were good in our relationship, they were so good… What happened? Should we be mean? Maybe if I’m mean, the sweet romantic guy will be into me? The answer is no. The universe responds to everything we put out there. If we are mean, soon enough someone will be mean to us. The bigger the jerk we are, the bigger the jerk we will find.

I often say the world is upside down and I’m the only one standing up right. When we look at the idea of right, in respect to behavior, we could say there are three ways to look at the concept of right.

1)      That which is right is right no matter what. That which is wrong is wrong no matter what.

2)      That which is right for the majority of the people dictate what is right.

3)      That which is right for me is what dictates the right.

In my opinion that which is right is right. Whether the majority agrees or disagrees it doesn’t make a difference as to whether or not something is right or wrong. We know it is wrong to take human life. If the majority of the population stated that it was ok to run around and shoot people, we would not run around shooting people simply because it’s allowed or accepted by the majority. Now, when we visit the idea that what is right for me is “right”, is very easy to see that this idea is not correct. If I dictate what is right, who is to say that my right will not cause a burden on to others. That said, if you feel the world is upside down and you are the only person standing up right, don’t feel bad. We are only responsible for our own behavior. Behaving “right” and being able to look in the mirror feeling good about who we are is a major accomplishment. This very idea that we are not like the majority is the very reason why we are so valuable. We are the unique pink diamond. We are the rear piece of art in the world. The sweet, cute, sexy, passionate, smart girl is what every guy wants. Just the same, the nice, sweet romantic guy is what every girl wants. Let the world be upside down and remember to value who you are. Learn to appreciate who you are. You are not responsible for the world. You are responsible for you and with all your imperfections; you are the platinum in the world. You are the best person you could be. As long as you behave right, you are the catch.

In order to appreciate the sweet in life we must taste the sour. Remember our role in the last relationship might have been to help that individual learn the difference between good and bad. They might go on in life after tasting the sweet to discover the sour and in the process discover their real needs. If you did not take part in that process they might never have found their way. I invite you to feel good about your contribution to the development of that individual. Try to remember that while you were contributing to their development, they were contributing to yours as well. Those little things they used to do that drove you crazy, now that you know what they are, you know if you see then in someone else they are probably not the right person for you. The guy who you just dumped or the guy who just dumped you contributed to your finding your way. If they dumped you is because you deserve better and they wanted to give you the space so that you could find the amazing person you deserve. The girl that was mean to you was mean so that you can appreciate the girl that is sweet to you. Now you know that a mean girl is not what you want.

Having a healthy mind set will place you in the right path… The universe also has a process and you are going through it. It’s like the first time you where trying to get you drivers license. You waited in line, you took the written test, you took your driving test and once you were done it was all over. Now you don’t even think about your driver’s license. Well, it’s the same with the universe. You live life and learn from the experience and once the process is done, you will have the magical person in your life. After a while, you will not even think about the idea of finding the right person. Trust me when I say this, those couples that have been together for 20 yrs and are mad in love, cant wait to see each-other and count the hours that they apart don’t think about finding the right person. They been driving for a long time.

I hope this helps you navigate through you human experience. I hope this helps you embrace the negative and enjoy the positive. Remember the more right you put out there, the more right you will have in your life.

Alexis 🙂

 

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Love and requirements Friday, Jun 18 2010 

Have you ever been in a situation where love presents a requirement? Over the course of some time now, I’ve thought about the idea that love can’t possibly require anything. Love is the most powerful emotion we can experience as humans. I don’t think it is necessary to elaborate on how much power love has. We (people) share love with each-other and accomplish the impossible for real love.  Now, I’m not talking about saying “I love you” to someone because they told you they love you. I’m talking about the real deal. You know the kind of love that motivates you to share without you ever really thinking about it or expecting anything in return. Well, if two people fall in love and they truly feel the stuff I’m talking about, I can’t imagine love requiring any particular action from either of them. In love is anything ever required or is everything simply surrendered?

Recently I came across a friend who just presented their boy friend of 7 yrs with a choice. The option was to get married or to split up. In addition to having spent the last 7 yrs together, they have formed a life filled with memories. They spend all their time together and as far as I can tell, this couple shares the real stuff.  However, the very idea that love would require this choice leads me to question if love (the real stuff) is really present.

Let’s talk about the guy facing the delicate choice. He is a good on paper kid. You know, the educated, responsible, career oriented individual. As described by my friend, he is great. He is charming and always treats her with priority. In her words, “he always makes her feel like the most important person around”. From the outside looking in, I can tell you this guy is really into my friend. He’s supportive of her painter/creative arts career. He encourages and supports her on all her crazy choices. In addition, he’s one of those guys that always seems like he just came out of a spa. You know those very hard to come by individuals who are always relaxed and in a good mood. Now, I can’t testify to the next statement but according to her, he is a generous lover. He is the perfect package right? Hens why she wants to marry this guy. I get it.

Now, let’s take a look at her. She started with a cosmetology school deal only to realize that art was her real passion. If you’ve ever seen that movie “Sweet November”, try to imagine Sara Deever. I know my friend will not be upset when I say this. My friend is a little crazy and scattered brain. She is cute, funny and you can’t help but to be inspired by her lack of connection to the real world. If you live in the SF bay area, I know you’ve met someone with those qualities. She never listens to the news, has no idea who Obama is or why people keep talking about him. If you say Parliament, she will ask you for what? If you ever try to talk about world changing events such as the fall of the Berlin wall, she might say something like “it’s really stupid how a 10ft wall was built to divide a city and even more stupid how the Germans never tried to jump over it. The wall in Berlin is not even close to the size of the great wall of china”. When things don’t go according to plan, she tends to take a deep breath and close her eyes for about a minute… This works like a reset button that somehow makes everything like nothing happened. She is a Yoga instructor with a heart of gold. She doesn’t care for money but loves bebe. She hates the beach because there is sand but loves the Ocean. Her style is a colorful as her paintings and she idealizes Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears. She is about 5’9 with great teeth. She is always happy and never stops talking. A great dancer with an adventurous streak. While the world is facing a nightmare oil spill in the Atlantic, her world is coming to an end because she gained 5 lbs. There are lots of people that make jokes about blonds who act this way but she is not a blond. She has dark brown, waist long hair with green eyes. Everyone who knows her loves her and she has always been the center of attention Hens, why Mr. Perfect package is in loves with her.

Together they are perfect and they are in love. Hm… but this latest choice thing has made me think about many questions. If he was to choose not to marry her, does it make sense for her to walk away from this nice guy? Is it that easy to walk away from someone you are in love with? Will she love him any less? What does not wanting to get married have to do with whether or not you love someone? If he doesn’t want to get married does that mean he doesn’t love her? If he doesn’t love her why is he so sweet to her? Why has he spent the last 7 yrs of his life with her? This whole thing is confusing. She admits that this guy is perfect for her. He doesn’t want their relationship to end. So, the questions are why are two people in love having to meet a requirement? Why is this idea of getting married so important to some of us? This archaic ritual can potentially destroy a relationship where two people are happy. What is really different about them after they get married? They will live in the same house where they are living now. They will eat dinner together like they are now. They will have great sex like they have now. As far as can see nothing changes. Is loving someone for ever not enough? I could not help but to think if I was in he’s shoes, I would feel love is not enough and if it’s that easy for her to walk away, maybe real love is not present in our relationship.

The ritual of getting married up close and personal: This archaic ritual was put in place to celebrate two people, coming together and giving themselves to each-other. Exchanged is the promising to love and take care of each-other forever until death. Somehow over time, we became obsessed with this idea that a piece of paper with a signature, a big party where we invite and feed relatives and friends who will criticize everything afterwards is what holds weight in this matter. I’m wondering, what would I rather have? Would I rather have a union falling under the category of a successful marriage? Or would I rather have someone in my life who loves me forever until death? According to California statistics:

  • In 2009 a successful marriage last 5 yrs.
  • About 48% of marriages don’t last long enough to be categorized as successful and end up in divorce.
  • Another 10% of marriages actually last 5 years or longer but are separated.
  • An additional 10% or so have made it pass the 8 year mark but have been separated at least once in the process.
  • Last but not least 70% of people who get married a second time end up divorcing again.

If the odds are so much against us, why is this archaic ritual pushed upon us throughout our lives by media and our society? Ohh you didn’t know that this was drilled into our heads from before we had the ability to put on our shoes? Let me explain. There is a number of Disney movies pushing the concept of marriage in a very subtle way. Drilling our subconscious with the idea of happily ever after as early as childhood. Our parents push this idea on to us because of their own mental programming even after being divorced themselves. In some cases they are in miserable marriage but still tell us that marriage is the right way. They never stopped to questions and ask why? Companies push bridal campaigns every year during bridal season (Can you believe there is a season). Hallmark got creative and created a holyday filled with red hearts, candy, cards and flower in an effort to create the perfect day for proposals. Not to mention Tiffany’s & Co. and their wedding photo of a bride in every magazine. Marriage is so heavily programmed into our subconscious it’s no wonder why some would rather get married and divorced than share a life time of happiness with the person they love. The question still lingers. Why is our society so obsessed with marriage? I’m thinking it has to do with money. You see everyone wants to buy into the fairytale of happily ever after and Disney wants to sell movies. Just like Calvin Klein tapped on the idea that sex sells, Disney tapped on the idea that forever after sells and the easiest way to present this idea is with a princess finding happiness and getting married. As mentioned before, our parents simply push the idea because they endured the same subliminal programming for their entire life. You see this is not something that started to happen yesterday. This subconscious programming has taken place over hundreds if not thousands of years. Generation after generations have fallen victims of this horrible lie that marriage and love are connected. The truth is Hallmark wants to sell more cards. The bridal shows want to sell more dresses. The cake maker wants to make more cakes. Photographer wants to sell more pictures. Tiffany’s & Co. want to sell you diamonds. The wedding industry has been a booming business that never seems to be affected. If the economy is doing well, people are getting married. If our economy is down, people still get married even if they have to incur large dept. It’s almost funny how people would rather spend 10, 15, 20, 50, 100 thousand, a million dollars on a wedding before taking a killer vacation together in Europe or investing into an early comfortable retirement together. Ironically, about 80% of divorces take place due to financial struggles. Go figure that out. I’m thinking there might be a connection.  Now you might be wondering how can our government allow this to happen? Well, let’s see, lawyers and politicians pass laws. Judges sign wedding licenses and work for the State. Lawyers are needed for prenuptial agreements as well as divorces. (Divorce is big business in the United States. According to maritalstatus.com, a Web site geared toward divorce and remarriage, divorce is a $28 billion-a-year industry with an average cost of about $20,000) I would have to say that it’s not in the best interest of any politician to advice against or even begin to think of pulling the sheet from this manipulative industry. An industry that not only wants you to get married, makes you feel like a loser if you’re 30 and never been married but also wants you to become a repeat customer. If you don’t find happiness the first time get married again. Third time is a charm. Right? I’ve actually hear a photographer at a recent wedding tell the groom to save the business card and a 20% discount would be applied to the 2nd wedding. They laughed about it and turned it into a joke of course but who are we really kidding here. Why don’t they just sell you on finding happiness, sharing your life with someone who cares about you, loves you and respects you? Because they can’t sell you anything with that and there is no chi-ching if there is no wedding. If as a society we walked away from marriage, divorce lawyers would starve. If you ask me they are the only ones that find happiness when you get married. That’s because they want your money. Whenever I feel the need to take action on anything, I tend to ask myself some key question. Is this important to me? Why is this important to me? What are the other options?

So what would I rather have, a successful marriage or lifelong happiness?  I’ll go with lifelong happiness. I realize that you, like my friend, might read this and feel somewhat like you did when you found out about the tooth fairy. The good news is that my friend had a conversation with her boyfriend. Right as he began to tell her about how he loved her but did not want to get married, she stopped him and stated “it’s not that important”. They spent the weekend in Monte Rey and just booked a 2 week trip to Grease. Those crazy kids are all over each-other like two 16 year olds at their high school dance. Real Love nothing is required and everything is surrendered. Simple after all.

Oppression Thursday, May 13 2010 

Oppression is one of those words sure to bring an uneasy feeling to the pit of our stomachs. I’ve never met anyone who ever wanted to be oppressed. That said, I can’t imagine that anyone would ever go around stating how much they want to be an oppressor when they grow up. In America, as Americans, we become almost angry when we hear that there is a group suffering from oppression. I can’t speak for the entire country but at least here, in the Northern CA. bay area, most people hate that idea that any one person or group would try to control another person or group. What I find disturbing is how oppression is so unacceptable and yet it’s still so present on our day to day life.

I imagine you’re thinking that I may be discussing some political idea today. Let me be clear. No, I’m not referring to politics. Give me second and I’ll explain what I’m talking about. In order to understand this concept or though, we must be clear on what oppression is and how it works. Sure, oppression is about control over someone or some group. That part is easy. Anyone can go to Webster’s dictionary and get that definition. However, parents control their kids and that type of control does not fall under the category of oppression. We have laws in our society that tell us that driving drunk is not ok. These laws are in place for the purpose of protection. This places a form of control over those who drink but still this is not oppressive. Oppression is far more complicated. Oppression is a lot sneakier.

The oppression that I’m referring to is systematically embedded into our way of life for the sole purpose of control. What does that mean? Well, even though this is going to sound really sneaky, dishonest, manipulative and right down wrong, it is rather simple. Oppression is systematic. That means that is takes place like clockwork. It works all on its own without you having any idea that it is doing anything. It’s part of the big picture. Oppression works parallel to everything you do without ever stopping you and letting you know about its presence. Try to imagine the human body and how we have different systems. When we go running and become agitated, we begin to breathe faster and harder. While this is taking place, our heart is beating at a much faster rate. Our blood is pumping faster though out veins. The human body we call home begins to work harder and therefore our body temperature rises. This causes for our sweat glands to release sweat to cool us down, lower out temperature and control our body heat. All these different systems are working and yet we don’t ever really stop and think consciously about everything that is going on. Our mind is focused on how long or how far we are from accomplishing our goal and completing out work out. Well, Oppression works like all those many systems in our human body. It’s happening around us every day and we never stop to think about it.

Oppression is also embedded in to our way of life. What this means is that is part of our way of life somewhat like cotton is part of your shirt. We look at your Ed Hardy T-shirt and we don’t see cotton. However, we know is there, present in every inch of that fabric and vintage design. When you think of the interweaving of our day to day life, oppression is just like that cotton in the T-shirt. The only deference is that oppression is present for the purpose of someone else controlling us and the cotton in the shirt is not. However, it is right in front of our eyes and we don’t see it. The majority of us don’t even know oppression it’s there and fail to recognize it.

Now we know how oppression works and I’m sure you are probably wondering how oppression can do this to us. After all we are smarter than to let anyone or anything control us. Right? The answer is also very simple. It happens extremely subtle. A series of small changes occur over an extended period of time. After all do you remember the running example? When we run is not like we immediately run out of air and begin gasping for a breath. The same thing happens with oppression. Let’s look at something that we can all relate to and identify oppression. When we looking at relationships from the outside looking in, it is rather easy to notice oppression at its purest and strongest form. The vast majority of relationships are oppressive in nature. Don’t get mad or upset. This is just the nature of things. Right? Not… After you’re done reading this, you will be able to identify oppression. Do you remember the old GI Joe cartoons? Well, it’s true knowing is half the battle. Once you can identify oppression in your relationships you will be able to consciously make changes to eliminate it. To illustrate this, I will use the girl meets guy scenario. If you are a guy and you met a girl, you’ll simply have to reverse the concept and see how it applies to you. Ok, so Imagine that you are a girl and you are out with your girl friends on a Saturday night. You are wearing a cute, short, strapless cocktail dress with those sexy heels you love so much. Your hair is looking silky smooth and feels feather soft to the touch with a sexy bounce. You are feeling confident as if your presence demands attention. Life is good and you know it. While hanging out with your friends at a trendy spot, you meet that guy. You know that fit, sophisticated, educated, confident, charming, good lucking kid that makes your heart skip a beat. You exchange some laughs and phone numbers and go home excited about seeing him again. A few days later, you go on a date and find yourself experiencing a wonderful connection. Before you know it, it’s been a few weeks and you have been spending all your free time together. You find yourself going to the movies on Friday nights. Maybe, on Saturdays you find yourself enjoying candle light dinners at home followed by magical one on one time in comfortable casual clothing next to you fire place. Sundays you find yourself spending time at a local park, laying on fresh cut grass, playing discovery on all your ticklish spots. Six months later, your girls friend calls you and asks to hang out with you. You know, the friend you were hanging out with that fabulous night you met your boyfriend. She misses you and wants to go out. After all, you want to hang out and tell her all about the wonderful guy who has made the last six months enchanting. You and your girl friend make plans to go out the very next Friday night. After you hang up the phone, you call that nice guy you’ve been dating to tell him that this upcoming Friday you have plans. To this he replies “hey that’s great”. “Have fun”. Friday after noon comes, you and your boyfriend have dinner and you tell him how excited you are about hanging out with your friends. After diner you ask him to help you pick out what to wear. You walk into your closet and pull out a cute skirt, a nice pair of heels and a sexy silky top. He takes a look at it and tell you “I’m not so sure about the way these cloths make you look”. “They are cute but I’m not so sure”. So you look at him and go back into your closet to pull out a 2nd arrangement. His response is rather negative. “It’s seems like your are trying too hard”. “You realize that you are just hanging out with you friend”. You reply, “really?”. “Yes”, “try something a little more casual”. Now you find yourself second guessing your choices and eventually find your way to some cool jeans and a somewhat cute top. You take off and have a blast with your friend. You go back to your regular routine for another six months. Then one day, he comes over to your house right as your arriving home from work. You step out of your car and he notices how sexy you look. However, rather than complimenting you, he gets a little upset and asks “why are you so dressed up for work?” After a small argument he tells you that he is sorry for acting stupid. It’s just that it makes him a little uncomfortable when he sees you trying so hard. It’s not like you have to impress anyone at work. Right? To this you simply respond reassuring and agree that its really stupid that you dress up because you basically spend 8 hrs of your day facing a computer in a 8×10 cubicle. You do this because you want to be the good girl who is caring about her boyfriend’s feelings. Another month goes by and you been wearing comfortable jeans and sweatshirts to work. That great friend calls you again and wants to makes plans to get together with you. This time you suggest meting for coffee. You end up getting together for lunch and coffee and come home rather happy to have seen your friend. When you get home and you share your day with your boyfriend, he reacts rather uncomfortable about you hanging out with your friend. He tell you all about how he can’t understand the importance of your friendship. It’s not like you even see this person regularly. It’s been seven months sense the last time you seen her. Six more months go by and you are now so used to not seeing your friend that you hardly remember why you were ever friends with her in the first place. You’ve been wearing jeans and Ed Hardy T-shirts to work with your hair pulled up on a pony tail because there is no real reason to dress up. Right? Besides, why cause any problems and upset the nice guy you are dating. It’s not like you have to impress anyone at work. You are in a relationship. After all, this is what it is all about. Settling down and being responsible is just a part of growing up. You are simply growing up. All the girls out there wish they had found a nice guy who treats them as sweet as your guy treats you. I mean he spends his weekends with you. He cooks and brings your flowers once a month. He makes your whole family laugh at family gatherings. Your neighbors love him. He charms everyone. He is smart and has a great job. Now, let’s imagine a series of small changes such as the ones I’ve described over the course of 5 years. Can you see how one day you might wake up in the morning wondering why you can’t remember the last time you attended your gym. Maybe even worst, maybe you can’t imagine why you ever attended your gym in the first place. Ohh… and by the way, that little cute, short, strapless cocktail dress you wore the night you met him? Yea, you never wore it again and you don’t even remember ever having it. That cute skirt you were going to wear that time you were going out with your friend? You donated it to goodwill about 3 yrs ago because it had been in your closet collecting dust. You needed the space for all the jeans and cool sweatshirts you wear now. As far as friends go, you have friends. They’re his friends. Your friends are all the people you’ve met through him or with him over the course of 5 yrs. After all, this is what life is all about. Right? Couples should hang out with couples. Having common couple friends only strengthen your relationship. Right?

I’m thinking you get the picture. Maybe you might even reflect on your life and find out that you have lived through this or are living though this now. Maybe you have lost a friend who met that nice guy one night when she was hanging out with you. As much as I hate to say this, this is a perfect example of oppression at its truest, strongest and rawest form. I have no shame and telling you that these types of relationships take place every day. It doesn’t matter how smart you are or how much you paid for college. Some of the smartest people I know, have at some point or another, found themselves in an oppressive relationship. It’s important to understand that the oppressor, most of the time, doesn’t consciously want to be an oppressor. They simply take on that role because of insecurities and passed life experiences. They do this seeking protection of their own feelings. Their behavior is driven by the fear or getting hurt.

When you look at your relationship, as you navigate through it, ask yourself, “am I the oppressor or am I oppressed. Once you define your role, if you are the oppressor, make a conscious effort to let go of any fear and refrain from controlling those who you love. Try not to restrict but rather encourage them to fallow their passions and express themselves as the individuals they are. Learn to appreciate them for who they are. When they are feeling confident, sexy and strong, you should feel confident, sexy and strong for them. Become supportive of their choices and learn to become a unit with them for the purpose of making each-other strong. Help them grow. Help them become a better person and find pride in knowing that no matter what happens, you helped them become their own person. If you are the oppressed, you face a harder challenge. It’s up to you to talk to you other half and educate them. It’s up to you to identify oppressive behaviors and be strong enough to not allow a resting point for oppression in your relationship. You can do this by simply communicating with them about what you are noticing. Letting your partners know how this makes you feel. Pointing out their behavior in a constructive manner can go long way. Remember that they want to change. No one really wants to be that ex that girls talk about at coffee shops.

I truly believe that sharing information can really change the world. I encourage you to not be embarrass if you’ve experienced this in your life. Share it and teach those around you. In case you’re wondering… Yes, I have experienced this both as the oppressor and the oppressed. Remember knowledge is power and power is the ability to create positive change.

Attracting what we need & looking in the right places Friday, Feb 19 2010 

I’m back to continue the current topic. This particular part will actually be rather short.

Last week we took some time to learn a process for figuring out what we need, want and last but not least, what we would prefer on our significant other. If you had the opportunity to do the exercise, I would love to hear from you. I’m always curious to know how you feel about the ideas I share. I like to think that these ideas are bullet proof but that could just be my ego. I can only know how they affect you and how effective they are if you share your experience with me.

Assuming that you have completed the exercise and that you’ve learned a little more about what it is you want in your ideal partner, we will move on to thinking a little logical about where we look for what we want and more importantly, how to attract that special someone who will fit perfect next to us as if they were cut out for us like a piece on a puzzle. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who was complaining about a flaw in their significant other? Maybe they were telling you all about how much they hated the fact that their significant other loved a strong drink every day after work. The last time I had a conversation as such, I had to ask about how or where they met. To my surprise, the answer was “We met at Blinks”. This obviously blew my mind. I’m thinking that if I want to be with some one that doesn’t drink, I would not look for people I want to date in a local bar. As for me, I like to snowboard and would like to date someone who is active, this would mean that a great place to look for someone who posses this quality would be a snow park, a snowboarding or ski convention etc. I realize that these are really simple examples but I think you get what I’m saying. If you are looking for someone who is a smart intellectual, responsible, educated, cultured type, you probably have a better chance of meeting him or her at a museum or a book store that at a local Pot club. In order to meet the type of person we are looking for, we must first figure out what that person is and then logically think about where those types of people can be found.

I would like to present you with a couple of challenges this week. The first challenge is simple but could prove to require some mental effort from your part. I would like for you to take a look at your list of qualities, close your eyes, take about 20 deep long breaths. While your inhaling, count to 10 and make sure you fill your lungs completely until you can’t take any more oxygen in. While you’re exhaling, count to 10 and make sure you release all the oxygen out until you have none left in your lungs. After the 5th breath cycle, I want you to imagine what this magical partner of yours looks like. Picture in your mind this magical person possessing all the qualities you want. Create this image in your mind with detail, include physical qualities as well as core values. Once you have this image in your mind and you feel satisfied with whom you have created, I want you to see you’re self next to them as their other half. Maybe you are holding hands or hugging. Now here comes the hard part, I want you to think of where you would spend time if you where this person. I want you to put yourself in their shoes and think where you would go to socialize if you were them. This particular challenge will do two things for you. First, it will place you in the frame of mind of being with this person. Feel yourself being with your Mr. or Mrs. right. Second, it will open a world of possibilities regarding new places where you can meet this individual that you are questing for.

The second challenge has to do with the idea that we must be that which we want to attract. You see, the whole concept that great minds think alike is true. Did your parents ever tell you that if you hang with wolf you will learn to howl? Well, I hate to say it but this true. People tend to be attracted to those who think alike and act alike. You know, artist usually like to hang out with other artist. People with dynamic personalities tend to hang out with other with dynamic personalities. Sales guys hang out with sales guys etc. Therefore, in order to attract someone who possess the qualities in our list we must live to the every expectation we have of the amazing person we are looking for. We too must be honest, strong, responsible etc. Take some time and think about those people with whom you feel most comfortable with. Do they tend to have similar qualities as you? Well, keep in mind they will not have all the qualities you do but I would be willing to bet the reason why you are friends is because they share some quality or value that’s a core part of you. You don’t have to worry. If you look at your list and you look inside yourself in search of them, you will soon realize that they are also a part of you. Once you realize that these qualities are in fact a part of you, simply behave in the matter that highlights those qualities and soon you will attract those who posses similar qualities. When doing this, it’s important to understand that if you are a negative person and don’t allow yourself to have an open mind about this process, you will only attract negative people. If I was doing this, I would get excited about the possibilities. I would know that this process will take some time to actually begin to work and not jump to conclusions right away if something doesn’t go as planned right from the start. Remember, internal change takes a while. It’s been said that we must repeat an action 20 times before it becomes a habit. Don’t expect for new personality highlights to become habits over night. This is real work. We have to create new patterns in our brain and overwrite the old ones. These new habits will attract those people we want to meet but not until our new highlighted qualities become habits we do without having to think about them.

Remember, up until now, you have tried the local bars, coffee shop, match.com or whatever means and it hasn’t worked. Therefore, we must think outside the box. You must think different than everyone else. Originality is not easy but it’s not hard either, it just takes effort. Finding Mr. or Mrs. perfect is not hard but it does take originality and therefore, it takes effort.

I hope that some of these ideas work for you. If you find that you like the outcome of your experiment, please share your experience with me. If you would like for your comment to remain confidential, simply let me know and I’ll make sure not to post it. If while going through this process, you have a “a ha” moment and you have an idea that you would like to share, don’t hesitate to let me know. I look forward to hearing from you. Until next week 🙂

Alexis Solorzano

Figuring out what we want Thursday, Feb 11 2010 

As promised, I want to talk to you about ideas of how to figure out what you may be looking for in a partner. However, I would first like to thank you all for your comments and feedback.

After my last post, I spoke to a couple of friends who actually had taken the time to think about what they wanted. They had some pretty good ideas as to what they wanted in their partner. One of my friends had given a lot of thought to this and shared some really specific qualities of what they were looking for. However, there were a few things that still surprised me. One person felt that being too specific actually kept them from making a connection. Presently they have a different approach and try to be more flexible with their idea of what they want. As excited as I am about sharing my ideas I want you to understand that everyone is different. I can’t stress this enough. My ideas are to be used only as general guidelines. However, you have to let your heart tell you what really feels good to you. After all you are searching for your happiness.

When we talk about what we want, it is very important to identify core qualities we want or maybe need in our partner from things we would prefer in our partner. After all, we are trying to find that magical connection that can only be achieved if its rooted in our core. When I was younger, my idea of the perfect girl was a 5’10 to 6 foot, blond, about 130 to 140 lbs, fitness competitor, green eyes, milky white skin with a great smile. As you can see my motivation was not to find a deep rooted connection. Although my physical demands of the person I was looking for were really specific, these qualities were not the types of qualities that really help establish a deeply rooted connection. These qualities in my list where all superficial and did not tell me anything about the real person. The qualities on my list would be better categorized as preferences. Even though I would still prefer to have those things in my partner, now that I’m older, there are additional core qualities that would be hands down  more important to me. I think it’s safe to say that as you do this exercise some of the things in your list will also change. As for my list, the changes are dramatic. Allowing our self the flexibility to learn to appreciate different things is not only a good thing but necessary. If I was not open minded about my earlier list, I may have passed on meeting that amazing 5’6 red head, with the amazing attitude about life, who is honest, caring, warm, sweet, lighthearted, smart and funny. I’m sure at some point we have met someone who may have been perfect for us and missed the opportunity of being with them due to our focus being on the preferences and not the core qualities we need in our partner. I can honestly say I’m guilty of this and I’m just happy that I can reflect on it and know that I’ve learned from it. This only helps me have a clear yet open and flexible attitude about the perfect person for me.

Recently, someone asked me how I felt about sharing intimate things about myself with all of you? They have been a part of my life for a really long time and for as long as we’ve been friends, they’ve known me to be a rather privet person. My answer was “There are not enough words to describe how satisfying it is to me to help people be happy”. With this in mind I would like to guide you through an exercise that may help you determine what is important to you. I’ll do the exercise as it applies to me and share how I work through this myself. If you read this and feel that this will help you, I invite you to try it and share what you find out.

First I would start by thinking of qualities that are important to me and begin to list them. Remember, this list is not a list of preferences but rather a list of core values or qualities. They don’t have to be in any order so just have fun with this and write what comes to your mind.

Honesty

Loyalty

Lighthearted

Respectful

Adventurous

Healthy

Smart/Intelligent

Strong

Independent

Balanced

Positive

Trusting

As you can imagine, this list can become really long. For the example we will just use these 11 qualities. If you are doing this don’t worry about how long your list is. The more things on your list, the more clear you will be on what your needs are.

Now that we have our list, we need to find out what these things mean to us. You see, honesty can mean many different things and our interpretation of honesty may be different than that of our prospective partner. If we are clear on what honesty means to us, while we are getting to know our prospective partner, we can hold conversations about the topic and see if we agree with each other. As we get to know them, the more qualities that we agree on, the better the possibilities for a good connection.

Honesty:

  • Being truthful
  • Someone who is honest with themselves as well as with me
  • Someone who can tell me what they need from me

Loyalty:

  • Values me as special
  • Puts me and my needs first before anyone else other then themselves (kids being the exception to this)
  • Someone who share their intimacy only with me

Lighthearted:

  • Someone who can laugh at life
  • Someone who knows not to treat every situation like is life or death
  • Free spirited

Respectful:

  • Someone who keep our personal life personal
  • Someone who deals with disagreements in a collective manner
  • Someone who is not aggressive or insulting under any circumstance
  • Respect boundaries

Adventurous:

  • Willing to try new things
  • Open minded to share new ideas
  • A little on the wild side

Healthy:

  • Health conscious
  • Active
  • Tries to eat healthy

Smart/Intelligent:

  • Likes to learn new things
  • Intellect
  • Has educated opinions

Strong:

  • Not afraid
  • Can stand their ground
  • Dynamic

Independent:

  • Forms their own opinions and ideas
  • Not needy
  • Is their own person

Balanced :

  • Can separate personal life and professional life
  • Understands mind body and spirit
  • Thinks before acts

Positive:

  • Looks for the good in everything
  • Confident about their life
  • Enjoys life for what it is

Trusting:

  • Allows me to be me
  • Allows for me to feel like a free person
  • Know my intentions
  • Feels secure of what I offer

We have just drilled down the first layer of meaning for each and every one of the qualities on my list. To get a deeper sense of meaning from each one of these qualities, we can drill down a 2nd layer as shown below. We do this by asking the magical question. What does this mean to me? For example: Honesty, to me, means being truthful. What does being truthful mean? Whatever the answer to that question is would be the 2nd layer. If I wanted to go deeper, you could as the same questions about the answer you get and so on and so on.

Honesty:

  • Being truthful
    • 100% truth always regardless if the truth will hurt me
    • Someone who is honest with themselves as well as with me
      • Check with themselves to really know where they stand as far as us
      • Someone who can tell me what they need from me
      • Who is not afraid of how I will react regardless of what it is

Loyalty:

  • Values me as special
    • Unlike no other
    • Puts me and my needs first before anyone else other then themselves (kids being the exception to this)
      • My well being is their #1 concern
      • Someone who share their intimacy only with me
      • Shares intimate moments with me and keeps those things privet & special

Light Hearted:

  • Someone who can laugh at life
    • Can appreciate irony
    • Someone who knows not to treat every situation like is life or death
      • Faces problems as obstacles that can be overcome
      • Free spirited
      • Likes to have fun

Respectful:

  • Someone who keep our personal life personal
    • Deals with disagreements or emotional things in privet, respects public places
    • Someone who deals with disagreements in a collective manner
      • Behaves adult like and talks through things, understands we all make mistakes and works through them
      • Someone who is not aggressive or insulting under any circumstance
      • Knows we are both people and treats me as such
      • Respect boundaries
      • Doesn’t make me do anything I don’t want to

Adventurous:

  • Willing to try new things
    • Explores life with me
    • Open minded to share new ideas
      • Shares new experiences with me
      • A little on the wild side
      • Like a little adrenaline

Healthy:

  • Health conscious
    • Takes care of themselves
    • Active
      • Works out, stays fit
      • Tries to eat healthy
      • Not in to eating McDonalds everyday

Smart/Intelligent:

  • Likes to learn new things
    • Reeds
    • Intellect
      • educated
      • Has educated opinions
      • Shares what they learn or the interpretation of things they learn

Strong:

  • Not afraid
    • Fearless
    • Can stand their ground
      • Don’t have a problem facing life on their own
      • Strong enough to deal with my honesty without freaking out
      • Dynamic
      • Has purpose or goals

Independent:

  • Forms their own opinions and ideas
    • Doesn’t let people manipulate their thoughts
    • Not needy
      • Not clingy
      • Is their own person
      • They do what they want or like what they like not just what is cool by the eyes of society

Balanced :

  • Can separate personal life and professional life
    • Leaves work at work
    • Understands mind body and spirit
      • Values spiritual health, physical health & mental health
      • Thinks before acts
      • Is not emotional about everything and reactive all the time

Positive:

  • Looks for the good in everything
    • When things don’t go their way they look for the good that came from it
    • Confident about their life
      • Feels their life is great as long as they are doing their best
      • Enjoys life for what it is
      • Enjoys the ups and downs

Trusting:

  • Allows me to be me
    • Is not threaten by my being friendly and out going
    • Allows for me to feel like a free person
      • Understand that I’m with them because I want to be with them
      • Know my intentions
      • Knows at the end of the day I’m with them
      • Feels secure of what I offer

As you can see, you can really get a better picture of each of these qualities by drilling down and digging deeper. Now I’m only digging to the 2nd layer for this example. I recommend that you go at least 3 to 4 layers deep. By doing this, you might find out something new about yourself as well as who you are looking for. I hope that this helps you get a good understanding of your needs.

As you can imagine, I can’t share all of my ideas on this blog. Next week, I will be discussing actual strategy ideas of how to attract the people you like and need as well as where to look for these magical creatures that we so need in our lives. Thank you and I look forward to sharing more with you next Thursday.

By: Alexis Solorzano

The hit or miss strategy Thursday, Feb 4 2010 

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. Like many of us out there he is looking for that perfect girl that balances naughty and nice. He has been searching for the mystical creature for a while and even though he is having lots of fun and exciting adventures, it seems to me that he is becoming rather frustrated. Talking to him got me thinking. How can we find what we are all looking for?

The search for this answer was on. It all started as a simple experiment. At first I just wanted to know what people were looking for. Quickly I noticed a pattern. Every time I would ask the questions what do you look for in a girl? I would get the same answer. “I don’t know”. “I’m looking for a nice girl” “I’m looking for a girl with a killer body”. After hearing a few of my friend’s ideas of what they were looking for, I could not help but to think that they would never find it. The answers I got were just too general. I want a nice girl really doesn’t tell me anything. What does a killer body mean? Don’t get me wrong I know what a killer body means to me but do we as individuals know what we are looking for? Are we just blindly walking around with hope that we will by some form of miracle run into the mystical creature? A bigger questions is, is this strategy good enough?

I also wanted to know what girls were thinking and what they were looking for. Surprisingly, women (with some exceptions I’m sure) don’t have the slightest idea as to what it is they want. A nice guy with a job is not a good enough answer. What does “someone who treats me right” mean? Another misconception I came across is that money play a big role in matters of the heart. “I want a guy that takes me on expensive vacations” is about as shallow as the guy who is looking for the girl with double “Ds”.

After striking some really interesting conversation with many strangers in the bay area, I walked away somewhat confused. You see I felt somewhat upside down as far as my points off views. I’m really clear as to what I want and money is really not a factor in my search. I want to fall deep in love with someone who is caring and sweet. I’m looking for that fairy tale romance. You know, that romance that moves you when you hear about it, the one that includes “unconditional love”, where they love you for who you are and not for what you have. Furthermore, I would like to think that deep inside, we are all looking for love and not a transaction. None the less, there was one thing clear. There are a lot of people out there who are looking for something or someone with a hit or miss strategy.

This experiment was eye opening to me. Not only did I find out that we as people have no idea as to what we really want but I also found that I had no idea as to how to look for it. I’m guilty of it as well. I’m also a contributor. The hit or miss strategy was a part of my life and I didn’t even know it. Just like many of you I would walk into bars, pubs and clubs and order a drink looking for someone. I would strike conversations and have a few laughs and maybe even connect with someone whom I’d later go out with and share some good times only to end up right back where I started a few months later. Sometimes I would have the question in mind just like you. You know that question, “why can’t I find what I want?” Don’t get me wrong, I have no regrets and have enjoyed every bit of my experiences good or bad but this did not change the fact that this pattern was present in my life.

While processing through my experiment, I began to look at myself and began to wonder. Is this hit or miss strategy, this passive way of life was really good enough to find happiness? Let’s think about that. Do you treat anything important in your life with a hit or miss approach? When you were in college did you go to school with no real clear view of why you where there? If you had failed a class would just not give it a second thought and just enrolled in the next one with the same attitude and no real direction? I would guess not. At very least we would be hard on ourselves and try really hard to get it right the next time. In some cases I would say if we did fail at something and it was important to us, we would take on the challenge again and this time we would prepare for it. It’s intriguing to me how human connections are so important to us. Whether you are gay or straight, male or female, we are all looking for that special connection with someone. I would say it’s probably the most important thing in our lives really. Some girls dream of their wedding day from the time they are 5. Guys would never stop playing video games, ridding skate boards and go look for a job if it wasn’t that they want to have money to go out on dates. Sigmund Freud had a whole theory about how our very reason for human motivation was sex. Well, I don’t know about you guys but when I think of sex, I immediately think of another person. So, if personal interaction is so important why are we so passive & careless about what we need? If you don’t think the hit or miss strategy is good enough for you, come back next week for some ideas on how to develop a different strategy.