LOVE- The Next Topic Monday, Feb 6 2017 

Hello everyone, it’s been a while and how much about my life has changed. I have a 4-year-old daughter. She is still alive, healthy and doing amazing. I am grown up… That is still questionable lol…

 

Recently a very close and significant individual in my life came to me and asked me to write a blog about his and her views. The idea of writing a blog with someone in collaboration sounded amazing. However, it also served as a reminder of my blog and my book. What happened? Why did everything come to an end? Well, in short… kids will take priority even if you do not want them to. In addition, some stormy times whipped my shores. When I look back at the last few years, I just don’t know how I managed to get through it all. They say the hustle is real… It is and sometime you just don’t know how tomorrow will be or how you will feed your family the following week. That said. I put my head down, set my sights, embraced and let go of the negative and learned that it’s not what you have or where you are, it’s about your determination to win. No retreat. No surrender.  To those of you who reached out with a helping hand. For ever you will be in my heart. All the money in the world can’t repay what you have done for me…

 

With this in mind, I would like to share the next chapter idea. Needless to say, this is the idea and not the actual chapter. This is simply my blogging on the concept. When life give you lemons lets me lemonade… This has been often stated and whoever originated this statement is wise. However, I’d like to add a thought. What if we do not just make lemonade? What if we make different kinds of lemonade and invite those around to share? What if we host a lemonade party and turn the sorrow into a party? What if we learn from the party and take something amazing from it?

 

While I was receiving lemons, I realized a great lesson. The light of a candle can illuminate an entire room. Yes, the smallest good action creates massive positive impact in one’s life and the life of others. I’ll explain, when I was struggling (in some ways I am still struggling), a few came to me and with no request offered to help. No string… No expectation of payment… Those individuals have one idea in mind that is the only thing they care about. They loved me and wanted for my life to be ok. They wanted happiness for me with no expectations. It was not a trade. It was a simple gift. I can and will pay the monetary back. I have and will always love them and want the same for them. However, all my love and all the money doesn’t even come close to what it was like to have money to buy my daughters diapers when I had been un-employed. I can’t re-pay that. Even in the event that they are in a similar situation and I supported them, kept them from losing their home etc. I would not be able to help them today if I had starved or ended up homeless… When I realized the depth of their actions, it occurred to me, this is real love. When we think about love, we often think of it as it applies in intimate relationships, how we feel about our children and family. In some cases, we think we love someone only to get angry when they do something that makes them happy. Well, if that something is not something we want them to do. Is that a form of control? A form of expectation? I wonder can you love someone, I mean really love some and have an expectation?

 

We may not understand the actions taken by someone we love. For example, in an intimate relationship, we may not understand why the person we love will chose to have a relationship outside of our relationship. That said, if that makes them happy and we really love them, should we not be happy for them? Why must we get angry when this happens? We may feel bedrail or let down, maybe even hurt, un-appreciated or even scared. It’s a bit disconcerting to wonder if that relationship maybe coming to an end. Maybe we have been sharing our lives together for a while and the idea of having to find someone new is overwhelming. In some cases, there may be financial issues and co-dependencies. Love has nothing to do with any of these feelings. When a family member or significant other decides to take an action that we don’t like, if we really love them, we would and should be supportive. We should find joy in the fact that the person we love is experiencing something that makes them happy. Our fears are really that, our fears. Fear cloud our vision.  Fear will turn to hate. Fear will destroy love if we let it. The individuals that extended monetary support when I was down on my luck probably fear and wonder if they will ever see the thousands of dollars they lend out. However, they did not let that fear get in the way of how much they loved me. How important it was to them that my family be ok.

 

The reason why I feel the next chapter of my book will be to describe my interpretation of love is that after looking back and reflecting, I realized this applies to all aspects. In relationships, we tend to allow our fears to cloud our understanding of love. We often hear to love someone is to forgive.  Yet, somehow we tend to get confused and fail to understand that we are human. We are here to explore, experience, feel, learn and share. We can only really live our lives to the fullest if we are excepting of one another and allow the pace required to let our loved ones live their life, feel and learn. Expectation, fear and week moments will destroy love if we let it. We must remind ourselves that actions taken by those who we love are simply actions required by them to be happy. If we really love them, we should find happiness in knowing they are happy on this journey we call life. They are living, learning, loving, feeling, exploring and navigating thought this experience we call the human experience.

 

I invite you to do the same…

Obstacles Friday, Oct 15 2010 

The idea that we can ever really stay ahead of all the cubes life can throw our way is simply crazy. It’s been over a month sense my last post. I don’t think there is a word in the dictionary that can truly describe how busy my life has been sense my move to AZ. There’re many obstacles that mark the way and half the time I can’t even stop to think about them. I just simply embrace them, appreciate them and move on.

Shortly before my move to AZ, my best friend said “Everyone is where they want to be, otherwise it is obvious they are going somewhere”. There is some irony in this statement and somehow it resonated with me. There hasn’t been a day in my life in AZ that I don’t think about that statement. Those who know me will tell you all about how I never stop moving in some direction or another. It’s true. I never stop. I simply think of the next thing and go for it. Regardless of what life extends my way, if there is something I want to do, with no hesitation I jump in it with two feet. Living my life this way tends to place me in front of obstacles constantly. My choices have consequences and I navigate through them like a sailor in the middle of a big storm. Well my move to AZ is just another storm and this sailor will navigate through this storm like any other.

A wise man once said “learn to like obstacles because they are there to show you that you are moving in a specific direction”. If I was standing still I would have no obstacles. However, if I want to get across the street, I have to get past the curve, traffic, around the bus stop bench etc. Obstacles are a part of life. More often than not, we tend to think of them as a negative thing. In reality they are a positive thing. There are there to help guide us in our path.

I’m sure you would agree with me when I say that everyone has barriers or obstacles in their life. Some of us view then as opportunities and some of us see them as reasons to stop from accomplishing whatever it is we were working towards. I believe the difference in our prospective is the main contributing factor to whether or not we fail.

Now take this idea further and see if you can apply it to everything in your life. For example, if we apply this to relationships, could we say that every time we meet someone new and that relationship doesn’t go anywhere it simply means that we are moving in the right direction? Chances are we would never meet the right person unless there are a few wrong people in the path. Those people that were not so perfect have two purposes, 1) They are there to help provide prospective. They help us learn and evaluate what qualities are important. 2) They help us appreciate the right person when the right person comes along.

Someone once said, “If I take you to a mud field that stretches 10,000 sft. & told you that somewhere in the mud there are 50 diamonds. Each diamond is worth 10 million dollars and all you have to do is find them and they are yours. Would you dig through the mud?” There is a lot of mud and the mud is your obstacle. Well, lifelong happiness is equivalent to all the diamonds. We can’t find it unless we jump in the mud with a healthy mind. We have to be ready and willing to get dirty.

Everything is life tends to work in a similar ways. My obstacles in AZ are simply the mud I have to work my way through so I can find my diamonds. The obstacles in your life are the mud you have to work through to find your diamonds. Get out there and start digging. Get dirty and smile every time you pick up a mud rock. That’s just one less rock you have to check. Get excited because now you are that much closer to finding the diamonds. Last but not least, have fun while you search for your diamonds. Life is all about the adventure.

Until next time 🙂
Alexis

Learning From A Four Year Old’s Mind Monday, Jul 12 2010 

Recently I’ve had the magical experience of hanging out with a 4 year old boy. The first few times we chilled together, I could not help but to be amazed of how quickly he was able to bring me back to being four again. This to me was especially surprising because as some of you may know, I’ve been a grown up for quite some time. In addition, I’ve consciously navigated through my dating experiences with the underlined mission of avoiding single moms. Kids just haven’t been a part of my life and the thought of ever having to share my life with one had the same affect to me as the sound of nails on a chalk board.

One morning I decided to take on the challenge of being open minded and actually dating a single mom. I thought how bad could it really be? “If I hang out with her kid and I don’t like it, well, I can return him back to the mother and go home”. The plan seemed perfect. I could experience what it would be like to interact with a child on a part time bases and go back to my regular life at the end of the day. Not to mention, the curiosity was killing me. My brother had a child and he talked about how positive this event was in his life. My friends with kids always talked about how kids were so amazing. I could never take part in some conversations because I could not relate. In some cases, when my friend Shawn would talk to me about his son, I felt like we were speaking different languages and somehow I kept missing the punch line. I decided to move forward with the adventure.

Me and the 4 yr Old:

The first encounter was actually a little over whelming. The little guy seemed to get upset at just about everything. He cried because he wanted candy, whined about wanting juice, complained about where we were going and last but not least, he talked nonstop. I kept thinking he would eventually run out of oxygen and have to take a breath. I could not help to think about human physiology and some important questions came into play. “How long can a person talk before running out of saliva”? I can honestly say that I still don’t know the answer.

We arrived at the park and I had a plan. I would picnic with mommy while the little man would play with the kids at the park. What I failed to realize was that the little man also makes plans. He’s plan included me playing with him. In addition, there is no way to tell a 4 yr old “No”. Four year olds get their feeling hurt and if you try to be polite and simply shift attention, they call you on it. “Alexis, I’m talking to you. I want you to play with me. Please?” How can you say “no” to that? After all I am the adult. I should understand the fact that this child likes to play and requires attention just like I did when I was four. We began to play. First we played on the castle like structure. We moved on jumped into a swing and began to swing front to back. “Let’s see who can go faster”? The little guy said. Once we came off the swings the little guy stated that he had a plan. “Let’s race to where the ducks are and feed the ducks”? We began to run. I’ve never seen anyone have this much energy. “What do you feed him”? I asked mommy. I was thinking maybe he was on a Red Bull & Power Bar diet. As an adult who is always looking on how to capitalize on situations, I was thinking on how to bottle the energy and sell it. Forget the 5 hour energy drink. If I could bottle and sell this energy, I would solve the weight problem in America while increasing productivity in the nation by at least 30%. Even though I was on and off thinking about all this, I was also having a great time. Before I knew it or could see what was happening, I was four again.

After the initial park day, mommy and I had a very important conversation. If we were to keep hanging out with the little guy, we would have to make an agreement. No matter what, If we were to stop dating we would stay friends and still hang out. This was a requirement. I could not allow for the little one to get used to me and somehow go though the disconnect if mommy and I broke up. We agreed and continued to date.

A few months later we spent a weekend at the beach and played in the hotel pool. The little man and I would take turn throwing each other in the pool. As I walked to grab a drink from the table, the little guy walked to my cousin and asked for him to take on my role and throw him in the pool. As I heard this in the back ground and turned around, I stated, “Make sure he lands with his feet first”. It was too late. There was a splash. The little guy came to the surface and even though he was ok, I knew he did not like the experience. I immediately pulled him out and asked him to go into the other pool with his mommy. It was not intentional; my cousin was just trying to play with the little one. However, I could not help but to be somewhat angry. The little guy did not get angry and fifteen minutes later, after my cousin and I had a conversation, both my cousin and I were throwing him back in the pool.

I came home a couple of days later and was having lunch with my friend. We were talking about my recent experiences and I mentioned the incident with the little guy and my cousin. After describing how I felt, she replied, you seem a little protective of the little guy. That’s when it hit me. Yes, I was protective. The little guy had somehow won me over. I no longer chilled out with him just to see mommy but I actually was enjoying my time with him. He had become a part of my experience.

Kids are a pain and they demand attention, throw fits, cry, laugh, feel, argue and do everything adults do. The difference is, they don’t hold on to anything, if you upset them, they let it go in minutes and they are still your friend. If you say “no” and their feelings get hurt, they let it go and forget about it in minutes and you are still their hero. Their spirit is pure and doesn’t hold on to anything. Their love is unconditional and they don’t really expect anything in return. In addition, the idea that they feel invincible and need you to protect them from themselves places us in a hero type role. When it come to kids we must do all we can to preserve those qualities of innocence as well as the ability to hold on to nothing and let go of everything. As adults our lives would be simple if we could understand that nothing is worth holding on to. Life is about the experience. Therefore, live it and let it go. We can learn so much from the mind of a four year old.

Love and requirements Friday, Jun 18 2010 

Have you ever been in a situation where love presents a requirement? Over the course of some time now, I’ve thought about the idea that love can’t possibly require anything. Love is the most powerful emotion we can experience as humans. I don’t think it is necessary to elaborate on how much power love has. We (people) share love with each-other and accomplish the impossible for real love.  Now, I’m not talking about saying “I love you” to someone because they told you they love you. I’m talking about the real deal. You know the kind of love that motivates you to share without you ever really thinking about it or expecting anything in return. Well, if two people fall in love and they truly feel the stuff I’m talking about, I can’t imagine love requiring any particular action from either of them. In love is anything ever required or is everything simply surrendered?

Recently I came across a friend who just presented their boy friend of 7 yrs with a choice. The option was to get married or to split up. In addition to having spent the last 7 yrs together, they have formed a life filled with memories. They spend all their time together and as far as I can tell, this couple shares the real stuff.  However, the very idea that love would require this choice leads me to question if love (the real stuff) is really present.

Let’s talk about the guy facing the delicate choice. He is a good on paper kid. You know, the educated, responsible, career oriented individual. As described by my friend, he is great. He is charming and always treats her with priority. In her words, “he always makes her feel like the most important person around”. From the outside looking in, I can tell you this guy is really into my friend. He’s supportive of her painter/creative arts career. He encourages and supports her on all her crazy choices. In addition, he’s one of those guys that always seems like he just came out of a spa. You know those very hard to come by individuals who are always relaxed and in a good mood. Now, I can’t testify to the next statement but according to her, he is a generous lover. He is the perfect package right? Hens why she wants to marry this guy. I get it.

Now, let’s take a look at her. She started with a cosmetology school deal only to realize that art was her real passion. If you’ve ever seen that movie “Sweet November”, try to imagine Sara Deever. I know my friend will not be upset when I say this. My friend is a little crazy and scattered brain. She is cute, funny and you can’t help but to be inspired by her lack of connection to the real world. If you live in the SF bay area, I know you’ve met someone with those qualities. She never listens to the news, has no idea who Obama is or why people keep talking about him. If you say Parliament, she will ask you for what? If you ever try to talk about world changing events such as the fall of the Berlin wall, she might say something like “it’s really stupid how a 10ft wall was built to divide a city and even more stupid how the Germans never tried to jump over it. The wall in Berlin is not even close to the size of the great wall of china”. When things don’t go according to plan, she tends to take a deep breath and close her eyes for about a minute… This works like a reset button that somehow makes everything like nothing happened. She is a Yoga instructor with a heart of gold. She doesn’t care for money but loves bebe. She hates the beach because there is sand but loves the Ocean. Her style is a colorful as her paintings and she idealizes Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears. She is about 5’9 with great teeth. She is always happy and never stops talking. A great dancer with an adventurous streak. While the world is facing a nightmare oil spill in the Atlantic, her world is coming to an end because she gained 5 lbs. There are lots of people that make jokes about blonds who act this way but she is not a blond. She has dark brown, waist long hair with green eyes. Everyone who knows her loves her and she has always been the center of attention Hens, why Mr. Perfect package is in loves with her.

Together they are perfect and they are in love. Hm… but this latest choice thing has made me think about many questions. If he was to choose not to marry her, does it make sense for her to walk away from this nice guy? Is it that easy to walk away from someone you are in love with? Will she love him any less? What does not wanting to get married have to do with whether or not you love someone? If he doesn’t want to get married does that mean he doesn’t love her? If he doesn’t love her why is he so sweet to her? Why has he spent the last 7 yrs of his life with her? This whole thing is confusing. She admits that this guy is perfect for her. He doesn’t want their relationship to end. So, the questions are why are two people in love having to meet a requirement? Why is this idea of getting married so important to some of us? This archaic ritual can potentially destroy a relationship where two people are happy. What is really different about them after they get married? They will live in the same house where they are living now. They will eat dinner together like they are now. They will have great sex like they have now. As far as can see nothing changes. Is loving someone for ever not enough? I could not help but to think if I was in he’s shoes, I would feel love is not enough and if it’s that easy for her to walk away, maybe real love is not present in our relationship.

The ritual of getting married up close and personal: This archaic ritual was put in place to celebrate two people, coming together and giving themselves to each-other. Exchanged is the promising to love and take care of each-other forever until death. Somehow over time, we became obsessed with this idea that a piece of paper with a signature, a big party where we invite and feed relatives and friends who will criticize everything afterwards is what holds weight in this matter. I’m wondering, what would I rather have? Would I rather have a union falling under the category of a successful marriage? Or would I rather have someone in my life who loves me forever until death? According to California statistics:

  • In 2009 a successful marriage last 5 yrs.
  • About 48% of marriages don’t last long enough to be categorized as successful and end up in divorce.
  • Another 10% of marriages actually last 5 years or longer but are separated.
  • An additional 10% or so have made it pass the 8 year mark but have been separated at least once in the process.
  • Last but not least 70% of people who get married a second time end up divorcing again.

If the odds are so much against us, why is this archaic ritual pushed upon us throughout our lives by media and our society? Ohh you didn’t know that this was drilled into our heads from before we had the ability to put on our shoes? Let me explain. There is a number of Disney movies pushing the concept of marriage in a very subtle way. Drilling our subconscious with the idea of happily ever after as early as childhood. Our parents push this idea on to us because of their own mental programming even after being divorced themselves. In some cases they are in miserable marriage but still tell us that marriage is the right way. They never stopped to questions and ask why? Companies push bridal campaigns every year during bridal season (Can you believe there is a season). Hallmark got creative and created a holyday filled with red hearts, candy, cards and flower in an effort to create the perfect day for proposals. Not to mention Tiffany’s & Co. and their wedding photo of a bride in every magazine. Marriage is so heavily programmed into our subconscious it’s no wonder why some would rather get married and divorced than share a life time of happiness with the person they love. The question still lingers. Why is our society so obsessed with marriage? I’m thinking it has to do with money. You see everyone wants to buy into the fairytale of happily ever after and Disney wants to sell movies. Just like Calvin Klein tapped on the idea that sex sells, Disney tapped on the idea that forever after sells and the easiest way to present this idea is with a princess finding happiness and getting married. As mentioned before, our parents simply push the idea because they endured the same subliminal programming for their entire life. You see this is not something that started to happen yesterday. This subconscious programming has taken place over hundreds if not thousands of years. Generation after generations have fallen victims of this horrible lie that marriage and love are connected. The truth is Hallmark wants to sell more cards. The bridal shows want to sell more dresses. The cake maker wants to make more cakes. Photographer wants to sell more pictures. Tiffany’s & Co. want to sell you diamonds. The wedding industry has been a booming business that never seems to be affected. If the economy is doing well, people are getting married. If our economy is down, people still get married even if they have to incur large dept. It’s almost funny how people would rather spend 10, 15, 20, 50, 100 thousand, a million dollars on a wedding before taking a killer vacation together in Europe or investing into an early comfortable retirement together. Ironically, about 80% of divorces take place due to financial struggles. Go figure that out. I’m thinking there might be a connection.  Now you might be wondering how can our government allow this to happen? Well, let’s see, lawyers and politicians pass laws. Judges sign wedding licenses and work for the State. Lawyers are needed for prenuptial agreements as well as divorces. (Divorce is big business in the United States. According to maritalstatus.com, a Web site geared toward divorce and remarriage, divorce is a $28 billion-a-year industry with an average cost of about $20,000) I would have to say that it’s not in the best interest of any politician to advice against or even begin to think of pulling the sheet from this manipulative industry. An industry that not only wants you to get married, makes you feel like a loser if you’re 30 and never been married but also wants you to become a repeat customer. If you don’t find happiness the first time get married again. Third time is a charm. Right? I’ve actually hear a photographer at a recent wedding tell the groom to save the business card and a 20% discount would be applied to the 2nd wedding. They laughed about it and turned it into a joke of course but who are we really kidding here. Why don’t they just sell you on finding happiness, sharing your life with someone who cares about you, loves you and respects you? Because they can’t sell you anything with that and there is no chi-ching if there is no wedding. If as a society we walked away from marriage, divorce lawyers would starve. If you ask me they are the only ones that find happiness when you get married. That’s because they want your money. Whenever I feel the need to take action on anything, I tend to ask myself some key question. Is this important to me? Why is this important to me? What are the other options?

So what would I rather have, a successful marriage or lifelong happiness?  I’ll go with lifelong happiness. I realize that you, like my friend, might read this and feel somewhat like you did when you found out about the tooth fairy. The good news is that my friend had a conversation with her boyfriend. Right as he began to tell her about how he loved her but did not want to get married, she stopped him and stated “it’s not that important”. They spent the weekend in Monte Rey and just booked a 2 week trip to Grease. Those crazy kids are all over each-other like two 16 year olds at their high school dance. Real Love nothing is required and everything is surrendered. Simple after all.

Taking Ownership Of Our Lives Wednesday, Jun 9 2010 

I would like to start by thanking all of those who read my little blog and take the time to comment. Know that your comments are appreciated and welcomed. My last post was a bit on the political side of things and even though I enjoy sharing my opinions on political issues, I would like to keep this page somewhat balanced. Therefore, this time around, let us talk about the idea of living our lives for ourselves.

Over the course of several years, I’ve had the opportunity to observe many people and noticed how much as individuals we compromise our lives. Life somehow becomes this constant negotiation.  I would imagine if you stopped for a second, simply took the time to think about your life and reflect on it, you would be surprised as to how many times you have given up things, ideas, projects or interests. Sometimes, we give up on our interests because of time. Our life tends to move on this timeline and maybe we begin to think we are getting to old to try something. A more common example of how time influences our ability to accomplish the things we want, is the fact that our lives get busy with work, kids, girlfriend or wife, boyfriend or husband, dinner, cleaning, homework, DMV, taxes, budget, getting a car-wash and all the many things that we dump on our daily agenda. The time challenge is without a doubt a tough challenge to overcome. Unfortunately, the day only has 24 hours and most people lose at least 5 of those hours sleeping. To this problem, I can only say manage your time and make time to accomplish those things you want. Try to remember age doesn’t matter. The things we do or experience are the very fiber that makes us who we become. We as individuals are an accumulation of our life experiences. Our experiences form a collage that not only create who we become but also strengthens us, makes us more efficient and capable to face new experiences. Remember that no one really knows how long they will be here in this world. Therefore, it’s never too late to learn or live a new experience. We really owe it to ourselves not to cheat ourselves from living.

Another major reason for giving up on things we want tends to be the people we love and the fear of how they will feel or react towards our interest. I often hear people say thing such as “I would love to sky dive but my husband/wife is not into extreme things”. Sometimes, because we know our partner is not into something we like, we might not even suggest doing it. We want to share the excitement but we know they just don’t feel the same way we do about the particular activity. We know they would be miserable if they did it with us. Therefore, we simply give up on living it.

This is a complicated problem with a simple solution. Stop for second, look around you, take a deep breath and allow yourself to realize that this is your life. This is “your” life we are talking about. Leave your fears behind and do whatever it is you want to do. If your partner doesn’t want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or can’t. Live your life and own it. The other option is to have your life own you and this can lead to having many regrets. I for one, don’t want to wake up one morning, 80 yrs old, wishing I had done anything. Even worst, I don’t want to regret not trying something. Furthermore, I don’t want to wake up one morning and feel bitter or angry towards my life partner because I gave up living for them.

I invite you to be strong and communicate with your partner. Tell them what you want to do. Invite them to do it with you and if they don’t want to, simply say “ok cool, I’ll let you know how I like it after I do it”. If your partner doesn’t want to experience something with you, those experiences you do by yourself will make you more of a unique, interesting individual with a colorful life. When you come back home from doing whatever it is you wanted to do, you can share the experience with your partner. Share with them the new stroke of color that was just added to this wonderful painting called your life. At very least, you will have more things to talk about. If they get upset be understanding of their fear or concern and give them the space to be upset. Remain calm and remind them that this is “your life” and you are “sharing” it with them because you love them. “Sharing” your life is a little different than “fusing” your life.

You probably already figured out from reading my previous post, the ideas I share are ideas I live my life by. I love snowboarding, fast motorcycles, fast cars and anything that gets my blood pumping. Sometimes, the person I’m dating doesn’t have the same appreciation for some of the things I’m into. I’m ok with this. She doesn’t have to drop into the face of Alpine Meadows to please me. The jumping out of airplanes and ridding 100+ mph on a motorcycle with my hair on fire is just where she ends and I begin. I don’t care so much for reading cook books, trying new recipes or shopping but I love to hear about what makes her tick and tock. I love to try her latest dish while we talk about the new dress she picked up. With excitement, I wait to see her in her new dress the next time we go out. She doesn’t snowboard but we sure have a great time laughing about my tumbles and falls when I come back from my snowboarding trips.

It took me years to understand this concept. Furthermore, it took me years to overcome the fear of owning my life. As far as I can tell, the secret or key is to be strong, stand your ground, be responsible and find balance. Share your life with your partner even if it means they are standing on the side lines for a second while you experience your life. Last but not least, respect your partner and allow them the space to do the same. When your partner wants to try something that scares you, acknowledge what you are feeling and brace yourself. Don’t be selfish and open your mind to giving your partner space to live their life. Thrust me, they will appreciate you for it. Believe it or not, after the fact, there is a good chance that you will actually feel good about the outcome and appreciate them for living.

Food for thought: Life is like the movie “Titanic”. We all knew how the movie was going to end. We all knew the Titanic was going to sink. There was no surprise ending. We went to see the movie to see the middle of the story. In life, I’ll save you the mystery. We are all going to die. There is no surprise ending. The journey is what matters. What we do while we are here is what will vibrate and echo through our being forever.

Now get out there and own your life 🙂

Immigration? What Is The Right Answer? Tuesday, May 25 2010 

In the previous posts, I’ve written about relationships. I’ve shared ideas about mutual respect, communications, building self-esteem and discovering who we are as individuals. However, this time, I would like to talk about something a little different.

Over the last few months, I’ve been asked about my opinion regarding the recent immigration laws in AZ. I simply reply, “it doesn’t concern me”. I tend to change the subject or make funny jokes about the entire thing. You see, even though I have brown hair, brown eyes and speak Spanish, I’m not Mexican. In addition, I’ve lived here for over 25 years with no ties to my country of origin. I’m an American. I love this nation and everything it stands for. I believe in democracy, capitalism and the US Constitution. I agree with Jack Nicholson in a few good men. I appreciate and love the comfort I find in the blanket of freedom this nation provides. Therefore, I try not to question that manner in which it provides it. I rather say thank you and try to understand the reasons behind the decisions that our leaders make.

Unfortunately, the topic of immigrations just doesn’t seem to lighten up. It wasn’t too long before I began to wonder how just these drastic measures were. I’ve listen to discussions about racial profiling and how these laws or tactics were unfair. After a while, I could not help to agree. A very real thought came to me. If I was Asian, Indian or German and I was pulled over in AZ, would I be treated the same as if I was Mexican? Hm…Sense I speak Spanish, have brown hair and have brown eyes, will I be treated differently? Hm… Is there a possibility that I would be harassed while attending school in AZ? Hm… Even a bigger question came to my mind when I noticed a commercial for Meg Whitman. She talked about the idea of sending the National Guard to patrol our borders if necessary in an effort to deal with the immigration issues in California. If these drastic laws were to pass in CA, would I be at risk of being harassed in the very state I call home? How much tax payer dollars would be spent on having the National Guard patrol our borders? In another commercial she talked about minimizing Government spending but it seems to me that this National Guard patrolling our border business would have a pretty hefty price.  Is the National Guard looking to donate time and provide this service free of charge? If this doesn’t work, what’s next? Are we going to deploy Marines to our borders? Doesn’t this seem a little ridiculous? These questions have kept me up at night. It seemed to me that these types of laws should concern me after all. Still, I do not question the actions taken in AZ or the ideas presented by Meg Whitman. I rather try to understand the reason behind the decision taken and ideas presented by our leaders. After all, I have promised to defend this nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. At very least I should be supportive of all laws that are passed for the purpose of preserving this way of life that I appreciate so much.

I wondered what the problem really was. Is it that we don’t like Mexicans? I don’t think that’s it. The first 10 amendments of our constitution lead to believe that we are not a racist society. The bill of rights leads me to believe that we don’t base our decisions on whether or not we like people from any specific country or race. Could it be that we have forgotten about how this country was founded upon people who came here from other countries? I don’t think that’s it either. The very American spirit is driven by our diversity and the embracing of different cultures. Wasn’t there someone who said “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe fee, your wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door”? ohhh wait, that’s right, that’s written on the statue of liberty. You know, that pretty lady in NY that represents freedom. So, what is the problem with having immigrants come to this country? The answer is money. There is billions of dollars that escape our economic system. I agreed that we have to do something to preserve and protect our economy. We must put a stop to those who come here and drain our economy by sending and accumulating dollars in foreign countries. Furthermore, there are many illegal immigrants who work and never pay taxes because they don’t have a legal social security number. All this madness has to stop. However, these individual who cost our economy so much are not all Mexican. They are from all corners of the world. As you can see there is no doubt that our leaders have to find a way to fix this problem. However, we must find a fair solution that not only protects but strengthens our economy without sacrificing the values that this nation stands for.

I believe that if you are going to take the time to identify a problem you should also take the time to present a possible solution. That said, I believe that amnesty is the answer. Give those who want to come here and take part in the strengthening of this nation the ability to do so by providing them with work permits. Allow them to work and take pride in becoming positive contributors of the growth of this nation. Address the real problem by:

  • Placing an 80% tax on all money that gets wired out to foreign countries. This will insure that those who want to be here are here to establish a life here in the U.S.A. This will insure that our money will be spent in our economy. Dollars will be spent in the US where they belong.
  • Eliminate welfare benefits to anyone who doesn’t have a permanent residency card.
  • Make it mandatory to establish a good working history of at least 5 yrs before being considered for permanent residency. Those who want to come here and work hard to create a better life would be able to do so. If they are here in search of a free meal they would not find it.
  • Give tax breaks to those business owners or corporations whose work force consists of 50% or more permanent residents/citizens. This will motivate employers to employ citizens and permanent residents before employing foreigners.

I hope that no one who reads this blog takes offense. This is not meant to offend anyone. These are just my opinions or ideas on how to address the immigration problem in a way that is fair to those who are coming here in search of Justice, liberty and pursue of happiness. I believe that this approach will minimize the amount of money spent on patrolling our borders. Those who come here with the wrong intentions would soon realize the US is the land of opportunity not the land of free pie and you have to earn your keep to live here. Not to mention they probably would go back home and tell everyone about how hard life is here. Those who are looking for a free meal would probably be discouraged to take all the ricks they take to get here to find out that this is a country that believes in hard work. If you don’t like my opinion, I have good news. I’m not running for office so you don’t really have to worry too much about it.

Hahahah  lol!!!

I would love to hear your feedback and welcome any comments.

Oppression Thursday, May 13 2010 

Oppression is one of those words sure to bring an uneasy feeling to the pit of our stomachs. I’ve never met anyone who ever wanted to be oppressed. That said, I can’t imagine that anyone would ever go around stating how much they want to be an oppressor when they grow up. In America, as Americans, we become almost angry when we hear that there is a group suffering from oppression. I can’t speak for the entire country but at least here, in the Northern CA. bay area, most people hate that idea that any one person or group would try to control another person or group. What I find disturbing is how oppression is so unacceptable and yet it’s still so present on our day to day life.

I imagine you’re thinking that I may be discussing some political idea today. Let me be clear. No, I’m not referring to politics. Give me second and I’ll explain what I’m talking about. In order to understand this concept or though, we must be clear on what oppression is and how it works. Sure, oppression is about control over someone or some group. That part is easy. Anyone can go to Webster’s dictionary and get that definition. However, parents control their kids and that type of control does not fall under the category of oppression. We have laws in our society that tell us that driving drunk is not ok. These laws are in place for the purpose of protection. This places a form of control over those who drink but still this is not oppressive. Oppression is far more complicated. Oppression is a lot sneakier.

The oppression that I’m referring to is systematically embedded into our way of life for the sole purpose of control. What does that mean? Well, even though this is going to sound really sneaky, dishonest, manipulative and right down wrong, it is rather simple. Oppression is systematic. That means that is takes place like clockwork. It works all on its own without you having any idea that it is doing anything. It’s part of the big picture. Oppression works parallel to everything you do without ever stopping you and letting you know about its presence. Try to imagine the human body and how we have different systems. When we go running and become agitated, we begin to breathe faster and harder. While this is taking place, our heart is beating at a much faster rate. Our blood is pumping faster though out veins. The human body we call home begins to work harder and therefore our body temperature rises. This causes for our sweat glands to release sweat to cool us down, lower out temperature and control our body heat. All these different systems are working and yet we don’t ever really stop and think consciously about everything that is going on. Our mind is focused on how long or how far we are from accomplishing our goal and completing out work out. Well, Oppression works like all those many systems in our human body. It’s happening around us every day and we never stop to think about it.

Oppression is also embedded in to our way of life. What this means is that is part of our way of life somewhat like cotton is part of your shirt. We look at your Ed Hardy T-shirt and we don’t see cotton. However, we know is there, present in every inch of that fabric and vintage design. When you think of the interweaving of our day to day life, oppression is just like that cotton in the T-shirt. The only deference is that oppression is present for the purpose of someone else controlling us and the cotton in the shirt is not. However, it is right in front of our eyes and we don’t see it. The majority of us don’t even know oppression it’s there and fail to recognize it.

Now we know how oppression works and I’m sure you are probably wondering how oppression can do this to us. After all we are smarter than to let anyone or anything control us. Right? The answer is also very simple. It happens extremely subtle. A series of small changes occur over an extended period of time. After all do you remember the running example? When we run is not like we immediately run out of air and begin gasping for a breath. The same thing happens with oppression. Let’s look at something that we can all relate to and identify oppression. When we looking at relationships from the outside looking in, it is rather easy to notice oppression at its purest and strongest form. The vast majority of relationships are oppressive in nature. Don’t get mad or upset. This is just the nature of things. Right? Not… After you’re done reading this, you will be able to identify oppression. Do you remember the old GI Joe cartoons? Well, it’s true knowing is half the battle. Once you can identify oppression in your relationships you will be able to consciously make changes to eliminate it. To illustrate this, I will use the girl meets guy scenario. If you are a guy and you met a girl, you’ll simply have to reverse the concept and see how it applies to you. Ok, so Imagine that you are a girl and you are out with your girl friends on a Saturday night. You are wearing a cute, short, strapless cocktail dress with those sexy heels you love so much. Your hair is looking silky smooth and feels feather soft to the touch with a sexy bounce. You are feeling confident as if your presence demands attention. Life is good and you know it. While hanging out with your friends at a trendy spot, you meet that guy. You know that fit, sophisticated, educated, confident, charming, good lucking kid that makes your heart skip a beat. You exchange some laughs and phone numbers and go home excited about seeing him again. A few days later, you go on a date and find yourself experiencing a wonderful connection. Before you know it, it’s been a few weeks and you have been spending all your free time together. You find yourself going to the movies on Friday nights. Maybe, on Saturdays you find yourself enjoying candle light dinners at home followed by magical one on one time in comfortable casual clothing next to you fire place. Sundays you find yourself spending time at a local park, laying on fresh cut grass, playing discovery on all your ticklish spots. Six months later, your girls friend calls you and asks to hang out with you. You know, the friend you were hanging out with that fabulous night you met your boyfriend. She misses you and wants to go out. After all, you want to hang out and tell her all about the wonderful guy who has made the last six months enchanting. You and your girl friend make plans to go out the very next Friday night. After you hang up the phone, you call that nice guy you’ve been dating to tell him that this upcoming Friday you have plans. To this he replies “hey that’s great”. “Have fun”. Friday after noon comes, you and your boyfriend have dinner and you tell him how excited you are about hanging out with your friends. After diner you ask him to help you pick out what to wear. You walk into your closet and pull out a cute skirt, a nice pair of heels and a sexy silky top. He takes a look at it and tell you “I’m not so sure about the way these cloths make you look”. “They are cute but I’m not so sure”. So you look at him and go back into your closet to pull out a 2nd arrangement. His response is rather negative. “It’s seems like your are trying too hard”. “You realize that you are just hanging out with you friend”. You reply, “really?”. “Yes”, “try something a little more casual”. Now you find yourself second guessing your choices and eventually find your way to some cool jeans and a somewhat cute top. You take off and have a blast with your friend. You go back to your regular routine for another six months. Then one day, he comes over to your house right as your arriving home from work. You step out of your car and he notices how sexy you look. However, rather than complimenting you, he gets a little upset and asks “why are you so dressed up for work?” After a small argument he tells you that he is sorry for acting stupid. It’s just that it makes him a little uncomfortable when he sees you trying so hard. It’s not like you have to impress anyone at work. Right? To this you simply respond reassuring and agree that its really stupid that you dress up because you basically spend 8 hrs of your day facing a computer in a 8×10 cubicle. You do this because you want to be the good girl who is caring about her boyfriend’s feelings. Another month goes by and you been wearing comfortable jeans and sweatshirts to work. That great friend calls you again and wants to makes plans to get together with you. This time you suggest meting for coffee. You end up getting together for lunch and coffee and come home rather happy to have seen your friend. When you get home and you share your day with your boyfriend, he reacts rather uncomfortable about you hanging out with your friend. He tell you all about how he can’t understand the importance of your friendship. It’s not like you even see this person regularly. It’s been seven months sense the last time you seen her. Six more months go by and you are now so used to not seeing your friend that you hardly remember why you were ever friends with her in the first place. You’ve been wearing jeans and Ed Hardy T-shirts to work with your hair pulled up on a pony tail because there is no real reason to dress up. Right? Besides, why cause any problems and upset the nice guy you are dating. It’s not like you have to impress anyone at work. You are in a relationship. After all, this is what it is all about. Settling down and being responsible is just a part of growing up. You are simply growing up. All the girls out there wish they had found a nice guy who treats them as sweet as your guy treats you. I mean he spends his weekends with you. He cooks and brings your flowers once a month. He makes your whole family laugh at family gatherings. Your neighbors love him. He charms everyone. He is smart and has a great job. Now, let’s imagine a series of small changes such as the ones I’ve described over the course of 5 years. Can you see how one day you might wake up in the morning wondering why you can’t remember the last time you attended your gym. Maybe even worst, maybe you can’t imagine why you ever attended your gym in the first place. Ohh… and by the way, that little cute, short, strapless cocktail dress you wore the night you met him? Yea, you never wore it again and you don’t even remember ever having it. That cute skirt you were going to wear that time you were going out with your friend? You donated it to goodwill about 3 yrs ago because it had been in your closet collecting dust. You needed the space for all the jeans and cool sweatshirts you wear now. As far as friends go, you have friends. They’re his friends. Your friends are all the people you’ve met through him or with him over the course of 5 yrs. After all, this is what life is all about. Right? Couples should hang out with couples. Having common couple friends only strengthen your relationship. Right?

I’m thinking you get the picture. Maybe you might even reflect on your life and find out that you have lived through this or are living though this now. Maybe you have lost a friend who met that nice guy one night when she was hanging out with you. As much as I hate to say this, this is a perfect example of oppression at its truest, strongest and rawest form. I have no shame and telling you that these types of relationships take place every day. It doesn’t matter how smart you are or how much you paid for college. Some of the smartest people I know, have at some point or another, found themselves in an oppressive relationship. It’s important to understand that the oppressor, most of the time, doesn’t consciously want to be an oppressor. They simply take on that role because of insecurities and passed life experiences. They do this seeking protection of their own feelings. Their behavior is driven by the fear or getting hurt.

When you look at your relationship, as you navigate through it, ask yourself, “am I the oppressor or am I oppressed. Once you define your role, if you are the oppressor, make a conscious effort to let go of any fear and refrain from controlling those who you love. Try not to restrict but rather encourage them to fallow their passions and express themselves as the individuals they are. Learn to appreciate them for who they are. When they are feeling confident, sexy and strong, you should feel confident, sexy and strong for them. Become supportive of their choices and learn to become a unit with them for the purpose of making each-other strong. Help them grow. Help them become a better person and find pride in knowing that no matter what happens, you helped them become their own person. If you are the oppressed, you face a harder challenge. It’s up to you to talk to you other half and educate them. It’s up to you to identify oppressive behaviors and be strong enough to not allow a resting point for oppression in your relationship. You can do this by simply communicating with them about what you are noticing. Letting your partners know how this makes you feel. Pointing out their behavior in a constructive manner can go long way. Remember that they want to change. No one really wants to be that ex that girls talk about at coffee shops.

I truly believe that sharing information can really change the world. I encourage you to not be embarrass if you’ve experienced this in your life. Share it and teach those around you. In case you’re wondering… Yes, I have experienced this both as the oppressor and the oppressed. Remember knowledge is power and power is the ability to create positive change.

Attracting what we need & looking in the right places Friday, Feb 19 2010 

I’m back to continue the current topic. This particular part will actually be rather short.

Last week we took some time to learn a process for figuring out what we need, want and last but not least, what we would prefer on our significant other. If you had the opportunity to do the exercise, I would love to hear from you. I’m always curious to know how you feel about the ideas I share. I like to think that these ideas are bullet proof but that could just be my ego. I can only know how they affect you and how effective they are if you share your experience with me.

Assuming that you have completed the exercise and that you’ve learned a little more about what it is you want in your ideal partner, we will move on to thinking a little logical about where we look for what we want and more importantly, how to attract that special someone who will fit perfect next to us as if they were cut out for us like a piece on a puzzle. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who was complaining about a flaw in their significant other? Maybe they were telling you all about how much they hated the fact that their significant other loved a strong drink every day after work. The last time I had a conversation as such, I had to ask about how or where they met. To my surprise, the answer was “We met at Blinks”. This obviously blew my mind. I’m thinking that if I want to be with some one that doesn’t drink, I would not look for people I want to date in a local bar. As for me, I like to snowboard and would like to date someone who is active, this would mean that a great place to look for someone who posses this quality would be a snow park, a snowboarding or ski convention etc. I realize that these are really simple examples but I think you get what I’m saying. If you are looking for someone who is a smart intellectual, responsible, educated, cultured type, you probably have a better chance of meeting him or her at a museum or a book store that at a local Pot club. In order to meet the type of person we are looking for, we must first figure out what that person is and then logically think about where those types of people can be found.

I would like to present you with a couple of challenges this week. The first challenge is simple but could prove to require some mental effort from your part. I would like for you to take a look at your list of qualities, close your eyes, take about 20 deep long breaths. While your inhaling, count to 10 and make sure you fill your lungs completely until you can’t take any more oxygen in. While you’re exhaling, count to 10 and make sure you release all the oxygen out until you have none left in your lungs. After the 5th breath cycle, I want you to imagine what this magical partner of yours looks like. Picture in your mind this magical person possessing all the qualities you want. Create this image in your mind with detail, include physical qualities as well as core values. Once you have this image in your mind and you feel satisfied with whom you have created, I want you to see you’re self next to them as their other half. Maybe you are holding hands or hugging. Now here comes the hard part, I want you to think of where you would spend time if you where this person. I want you to put yourself in their shoes and think where you would go to socialize if you were them. This particular challenge will do two things for you. First, it will place you in the frame of mind of being with this person. Feel yourself being with your Mr. or Mrs. right. Second, it will open a world of possibilities regarding new places where you can meet this individual that you are questing for.

The second challenge has to do with the idea that we must be that which we want to attract. You see, the whole concept that great minds think alike is true. Did your parents ever tell you that if you hang with wolf you will learn to howl? Well, I hate to say it but this true. People tend to be attracted to those who think alike and act alike. You know, artist usually like to hang out with other artist. People with dynamic personalities tend to hang out with other with dynamic personalities. Sales guys hang out with sales guys etc. Therefore, in order to attract someone who possess the qualities in our list we must live to the every expectation we have of the amazing person we are looking for. We too must be honest, strong, responsible etc. Take some time and think about those people with whom you feel most comfortable with. Do they tend to have similar qualities as you? Well, keep in mind they will not have all the qualities you do but I would be willing to bet the reason why you are friends is because they share some quality or value that’s a core part of you. You don’t have to worry. If you look at your list and you look inside yourself in search of them, you will soon realize that they are also a part of you. Once you realize that these qualities are in fact a part of you, simply behave in the matter that highlights those qualities and soon you will attract those who posses similar qualities. When doing this, it’s important to understand that if you are a negative person and don’t allow yourself to have an open mind about this process, you will only attract negative people. If I was doing this, I would get excited about the possibilities. I would know that this process will take some time to actually begin to work and not jump to conclusions right away if something doesn’t go as planned right from the start. Remember, internal change takes a while. It’s been said that we must repeat an action 20 times before it becomes a habit. Don’t expect for new personality highlights to become habits over night. This is real work. We have to create new patterns in our brain and overwrite the old ones. These new habits will attract those people we want to meet but not until our new highlighted qualities become habits we do without having to think about them.

Remember, up until now, you have tried the local bars, coffee shop, match.com or whatever means and it hasn’t worked. Therefore, we must think outside the box. You must think different than everyone else. Originality is not easy but it’s not hard either, it just takes effort. Finding Mr. or Mrs. perfect is not hard but it does take originality and therefore, it takes effort.

I hope that some of these ideas work for you. If you find that you like the outcome of your experiment, please share your experience with me. If you would like for your comment to remain confidential, simply let me know and I’ll make sure not to post it. If while going through this process, you have a “a ha” moment and you have an idea that you would like to share, don’t hesitate to let me know. I look forward to hearing from you. Until next week 🙂

Alexis Solorzano

Figuring out what we want Thursday, Feb 11 2010 

As promised, I want to talk to you about ideas of how to figure out what you may be looking for in a partner. However, I would first like to thank you all for your comments and feedback.

After my last post, I spoke to a couple of friends who actually had taken the time to think about what they wanted. They had some pretty good ideas as to what they wanted in their partner. One of my friends had given a lot of thought to this and shared some really specific qualities of what they were looking for. However, there were a few things that still surprised me. One person felt that being too specific actually kept them from making a connection. Presently they have a different approach and try to be more flexible with their idea of what they want. As excited as I am about sharing my ideas I want you to understand that everyone is different. I can’t stress this enough. My ideas are to be used only as general guidelines. However, you have to let your heart tell you what really feels good to you. After all you are searching for your happiness.

When we talk about what we want, it is very important to identify core qualities we want or maybe need in our partner from things we would prefer in our partner. After all, we are trying to find that magical connection that can only be achieved if its rooted in our core. When I was younger, my idea of the perfect girl was a 5’10 to 6 foot, blond, about 130 to 140 lbs, fitness competitor, green eyes, milky white skin with a great smile. As you can see my motivation was not to find a deep rooted connection. Although my physical demands of the person I was looking for were really specific, these qualities were not the types of qualities that really help establish a deeply rooted connection. These qualities in my list where all superficial and did not tell me anything about the real person. The qualities on my list would be better categorized as preferences. Even though I would still prefer to have those things in my partner, now that I’m older, there are additional core qualities that would be hands down  more important to me. I think it’s safe to say that as you do this exercise some of the things in your list will also change. As for my list, the changes are dramatic. Allowing our self the flexibility to learn to appreciate different things is not only a good thing but necessary. If I was not open minded about my earlier list, I may have passed on meeting that amazing 5’6 red head, with the amazing attitude about life, who is honest, caring, warm, sweet, lighthearted, smart and funny. I’m sure at some point we have met someone who may have been perfect for us and missed the opportunity of being with them due to our focus being on the preferences and not the core qualities we need in our partner. I can honestly say I’m guilty of this and I’m just happy that I can reflect on it and know that I’ve learned from it. This only helps me have a clear yet open and flexible attitude about the perfect person for me.

Recently, someone asked me how I felt about sharing intimate things about myself with all of you? They have been a part of my life for a really long time and for as long as we’ve been friends, they’ve known me to be a rather privet person. My answer was “There are not enough words to describe how satisfying it is to me to help people be happy”. With this in mind I would like to guide you through an exercise that may help you determine what is important to you. I’ll do the exercise as it applies to me and share how I work through this myself. If you read this and feel that this will help you, I invite you to try it and share what you find out.

First I would start by thinking of qualities that are important to me and begin to list them. Remember, this list is not a list of preferences but rather a list of core values or qualities. They don’t have to be in any order so just have fun with this and write what comes to your mind.

Honesty

Loyalty

Lighthearted

Respectful

Adventurous

Healthy

Smart/Intelligent

Strong

Independent

Balanced

Positive

Trusting

As you can imagine, this list can become really long. For the example we will just use these 11 qualities. If you are doing this don’t worry about how long your list is. The more things on your list, the more clear you will be on what your needs are.

Now that we have our list, we need to find out what these things mean to us. You see, honesty can mean many different things and our interpretation of honesty may be different than that of our prospective partner. If we are clear on what honesty means to us, while we are getting to know our prospective partner, we can hold conversations about the topic and see if we agree with each other. As we get to know them, the more qualities that we agree on, the better the possibilities for a good connection.

Honesty:

  • Being truthful
  • Someone who is honest with themselves as well as with me
  • Someone who can tell me what they need from me

Loyalty:

  • Values me as special
  • Puts me and my needs first before anyone else other then themselves (kids being the exception to this)
  • Someone who share their intimacy only with me

Lighthearted:

  • Someone who can laugh at life
  • Someone who knows not to treat every situation like is life or death
  • Free spirited

Respectful:

  • Someone who keep our personal life personal
  • Someone who deals with disagreements in a collective manner
  • Someone who is not aggressive or insulting under any circumstance
  • Respect boundaries

Adventurous:

  • Willing to try new things
  • Open minded to share new ideas
  • A little on the wild side

Healthy:

  • Health conscious
  • Active
  • Tries to eat healthy

Smart/Intelligent:

  • Likes to learn new things
  • Intellect
  • Has educated opinions

Strong:

  • Not afraid
  • Can stand their ground
  • Dynamic

Independent:

  • Forms their own opinions and ideas
  • Not needy
  • Is their own person

Balanced :

  • Can separate personal life and professional life
  • Understands mind body and spirit
  • Thinks before acts

Positive:

  • Looks for the good in everything
  • Confident about their life
  • Enjoys life for what it is

Trusting:

  • Allows me to be me
  • Allows for me to feel like a free person
  • Know my intentions
  • Feels secure of what I offer

We have just drilled down the first layer of meaning for each and every one of the qualities on my list. To get a deeper sense of meaning from each one of these qualities, we can drill down a 2nd layer as shown below. We do this by asking the magical question. What does this mean to me? For example: Honesty, to me, means being truthful. What does being truthful mean? Whatever the answer to that question is would be the 2nd layer. If I wanted to go deeper, you could as the same questions about the answer you get and so on and so on.

Honesty:

  • Being truthful
    • 100% truth always regardless if the truth will hurt me
    • Someone who is honest with themselves as well as with me
      • Check with themselves to really know where they stand as far as us
      • Someone who can tell me what they need from me
      • Who is not afraid of how I will react regardless of what it is

Loyalty:

  • Values me as special
    • Unlike no other
    • Puts me and my needs first before anyone else other then themselves (kids being the exception to this)
      • My well being is their #1 concern
      • Someone who share their intimacy only with me
      • Shares intimate moments with me and keeps those things privet & special

Light Hearted:

  • Someone who can laugh at life
    • Can appreciate irony
    • Someone who knows not to treat every situation like is life or death
      • Faces problems as obstacles that can be overcome
      • Free spirited
      • Likes to have fun

Respectful:

  • Someone who keep our personal life personal
    • Deals with disagreements or emotional things in privet, respects public places
    • Someone who deals with disagreements in a collective manner
      • Behaves adult like and talks through things, understands we all make mistakes and works through them
      • Someone who is not aggressive or insulting under any circumstance
      • Knows we are both people and treats me as such
      • Respect boundaries
      • Doesn’t make me do anything I don’t want to

Adventurous:

  • Willing to try new things
    • Explores life with me
    • Open minded to share new ideas
      • Shares new experiences with me
      • A little on the wild side
      • Like a little adrenaline

Healthy:

  • Health conscious
    • Takes care of themselves
    • Active
      • Works out, stays fit
      • Tries to eat healthy
      • Not in to eating McDonalds everyday

Smart/Intelligent:

  • Likes to learn new things
    • Reeds
    • Intellect
      • educated
      • Has educated opinions
      • Shares what they learn or the interpretation of things they learn

Strong:

  • Not afraid
    • Fearless
    • Can stand their ground
      • Don’t have a problem facing life on their own
      • Strong enough to deal with my honesty without freaking out
      • Dynamic
      • Has purpose or goals

Independent:

  • Forms their own opinions and ideas
    • Doesn’t let people manipulate their thoughts
    • Not needy
      • Not clingy
      • Is their own person
      • They do what they want or like what they like not just what is cool by the eyes of society

Balanced :

  • Can separate personal life and professional life
    • Leaves work at work
    • Understands mind body and spirit
      • Values spiritual health, physical health & mental health
      • Thinks before acts
      • Is not emotional about everything and reactive all the time

Positive:

  • Looks for the good in everything
    • When things don’t go their way they look for the good that came from it
    • Confident about their life
      • Feels their life is great as long as they are doing their best
      • Enjoys life for what it is
      • Enjoys the ups and downs

Trusting:

  • Allows me to be me
    • Is not threaten by my being friendly and out going
    • Allows for me to feel like a free person
      • Understand that I’m with them because I want to be with them
      • Know my intentions
      • Knows at the end of the day I’m with them
      • Feels secure of what I offer

As you can see, you can really get a better picture of each of these qualities by drilling down and digging deeper. Now I’m only digging to the 2nd layer for this example. I recommend that you go at least 3 to 4 layers deep. By doing this, you might find out something new about yourself as well as who you are looking for. I hope that this helps you get a good understanding of your needs.

As you can imagine, I can’t share all of my ideas on this blog. Next week, I will be discussing actual strategy ideas of how to attract the people you like and need as well as where to look for these magical creatures that we so need in our lives. Thank you and I look forward to sharing more with you next Thursday.

By: Alexis Solorzano

The hit or miss strategy Thursday, Feb 4 2010 

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. Like many of us out there he is looking for that perfect girl that balances naughty and nice. He has been searching for the mystical creature for a while and even though he is having lots of fun and exciting adventures, it seems to me that he is becoming rather frustrated. Talking to him got me thinking. How can we find what we are all looking for?

The search for this answer was on. It all started as a simple experiment. At first I just wanted to know what people were looking for. Quickly I noticed a pattern. Every time I would ask the questions what do you look for in a girl? I would get the same answer. “I don’t know”. “I’m looking for a nice girl” “I’m looking for a girl with a killer body”. After hearing a few of my friend’s ideas of what they were looking for, I could not help but to think that they would never find it. The answers I got were just too general. I want a nice girl really doesn’t tell me anything. What does a killer body mean? Don’t get me wrong I know what a killer body means to me but do we as individuals know what we are looking for? Are we just blindly walking around with hope that we will by some form of miracle run into the mystical creature? A bigger questions is, is this strategy good enough?

I also wanted to know what girls were thinking and what they were looking for. Surprisingly, women (with some exceptions I’m sure) don’t have the slightest idea as to what it is they want. A nice guy with a job is not a good enough answer. What does “someone who treats me right” mean? Another misconception I came across is that money play a big role in matters of the heart. “I want a guy that takes me on expensive vacations” is about as shallow as the guy who is looking for the girl with double “Ds”.

After striking some really interesting conversation with many strangers in the bay area, I walked away somewhat confused. You see I felt somewhat upside down as far as my points off views. I’m really clear as to what I want and money is really not a factor in my search. I want to fall deep in love with someone who is caring and sweet. I’m looking for that fairy tale romance. You know, that romance that moves you when you hear about it, the one that includes “unconditional love”, where they love you for who you are and not for what you have. Furthermore, I would like to think that deep inside, we are all looking for love and not a transaction. None the less, there was one thing clear. There are a lot of people out there who are looking for something or someone with a hit or miss strategy.

This experiment was eye opening to me. Not only did I find out that we as people have no idea as to what we really want but I also found that I had no idea as to how to look for it. I’m guilty of it as well. I’m also a contributor. The hit or miss strategy was a part of my life and I didn’t even know it. Just like many of you I would walk into bars, pubs and clubs and order a drink looking for someone. I would strike conversations and have a few laughs and maybe even connect with someone whom I’d later go out with and share some good times only to end up right back where I started a few months later. Sometimes I would have the question in mind just like you. You know that question, “why can’t I find what I want?” Don’t get me wrong, I have no regrets and have enjoyed every bit of my experiences good or bad but this did not change the fact that this pattern was present in my life.

While processing through my experiment, I began to look at myself and began to wonder. Is this hit or miss strategy, this passive way of life was really good enough to find happiness? Let’s think about that. Do you treat anything important in your life with a hit or miss approach? When you were in college did you go to school with no real clear view of why you where there? If you had failed a class would just not give it a second thought and just enrolled in the next one with the same attitude and no real direction? I would guess not. At very least we would be hard on ourselves and try really hard to get it right the next time. In some cases I would say if we did fail at something and it was important to us, we would take on the challenge again and this time we would prepare for it. It’s intriguing to me how human connections are so important to us. Whether you are gay or straight, male or female, we are all looking for that special connection with someone. I would say it’s probably the most important thing in our lives really. Some girls dream of their wedding day from the time they are 5. Guys would never stop playing video games, ridding skate boards and go look for a job if it wasn’t that they want to have money to go out on dates. Sigmund Freud had a whole theory about how our very reason for human motivation was sex. Well, I don’t know about you guys but when I think of sex, I immediately think of another person. So, if personal interaction is so important why are we so passive & careless about what we need? If you don’t think the hit or miss strategy is good enough for you, come back next week for some ideas on how to develop a different strategy.

Help & Responsibility Friday, Jan 29 2010 

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of visiting a government office in charge of giving government assistance for those less fortunate. I was there helping a family friend that’s been down on his luck and really needs the help. The experience was eye opening and somewhat disturbing. We walked in and took a number to be seen. The wait was 2.5 hours long and this gave us plenty of time to chat about his current situation. It’s been a year sense he lost his job and needless to say the challenges of everyday life with kids has depleted his savings. After several months of struggling and selling his possessions to make ends meet, he had no choice but to ask for government assistance. This is a situation that appears to be more common that we think. This doesn’t surprise me. The booming economy that we are facing clearly contributes to these types of scenarios across the nation. While I was waiting, I began to feel somewhat confused. In the one hand, I was glad to know there’s a place extending help to those who have fallen. On the other hand after over hearing some conversations and observing some patterns, I could not help but to wonder at what point does helping become hurtful?

While seating on the chairs in the lobby, I noticed some patterns. About 8 out of 10 of the people waiting to be seen appear to be women under 30. Each one of them seemed to have anywhere between 3 to 5 kids. Their kids appeared to be about one year apart, 6 or 7 out of 10 appear to be from another nation and were speaking in their native tongue. As I looked around, I wondered about the sense of responsibility that we all share. As Americans we share the responsibility to keep our nation strong. Kennedy said best. “It’s not what our country can do for you. It’s what can you can do for your country” In the eyes the world, the United States of America is the land of opportunity. To me, opportunity means that individuals can work hard to create a better life. When I had a child, I faced my responsibility head on. I often worked two jobs to provide for my child. More importantly, I made sure not to have any more children. I knew I could not afford to have any more and like any responsible person, I made the appropriate choice. I can’t help but to feel that there are some people out there that take a vantage of our government. It seems they have translated “Land of opportunity” into the “Land of free pie”. It’s important to find a balance and educate those who lack the understanding of how their individual actions affect our way of life. Whether its ignorance, an individual irresponsibly defrauding our government or a corrupt politician corrupting our system, corruption is corruption and should be intolerable.

I am not writing this to insult anyone. I came to this country in search of a better life. I’m 36 yrs old and have a 20 year old son. I’ve never asked for a hand out and have worked hard to be a contributor to our society. I love this country and enjoy the opportunities and blanket of freedom it provides. Irresponsibility with our system serve as a drain to our economy and it’s important that we all take a step towards protecting the land of opportunity to insure that opportunities don’t run out.