Attracting what we need & looking in the right places Friday, Feb 19 2010 

I’m back to continue the current topic. This particular part will actually be rather short.

Last week we took some time to learn a process for figuring out what we need, want and last but not least, what we would prefer on our significant other. If you had the opportunity to do the exercise, I would love to hear from you. I’m always curious to know how you feel about the ideas I share. I like to think that these ideas are bullet proof but that could just be my ego. I can only know how they affect you and how effective they are if you share your experience with me.

Assuming that you have completed the exercise and that you’ve learned a little more about what it is you want in your ideal partner, we will move on to thinking a little logical about where we look for what we want and more importantly, how to attract that special someone who will fit perfect next to us as if they were cut out for us like a piece on a puzzle. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who was complaining about a flaw in their significant other? Maybe they were telling you all about how much they hated the fact that their significant other loved a strong drink every day after work. The last time I had a conversation as such, I had to ask about how or where they met. To my surprise, the answer was “We met at Blinks”. This obviously blew my mind. I’m thinking that if I want to be with some one that doesn’t drink, I would not look for people I want to date in a local bar. As for me, I like to snowboard and would like to date someone who is active, this would mean that a great place to look for someone who posses this quality would be a snow park, a snowboarding or ski convention etc. I realize that these are really simple examples but I think you get what I’m saying. If you are looking for someone who is a smart intellectual, responsible, educated, cultured type, you probably have a better chance of meeting him or her at a museum or a book store that at a local Pot club. In order to meet the type of person we are looking for, we must first figure out what that person is and then logically think about where those types of people can be found.

I would like to present you with a couple of challenges this week. The first challenge is simple but could prove to require some mental effort from your part. I would like for you to take a look at your list of qualities, close your eyes, take about 20 deep long breaths. While your inhaling, count to 10 and make sure you fill your lungs completely until you can’t take any more oxygen in. While you’re exhaling, count to 10 and make sure you release all the oxygen out until you have none left in your lungs. After the 5th breath cycle, I want you to imagine what this magical partner of yours looks like. Picture in your mind this magical person possessing all the qualities you want. Create this image in your mind with detail, include physical qualities as well as core values. Once you have this image in your mind and you feel satisfied with whom you have created, I want you to see you’re self next to them as their other half. Maybe you are holding hands or hugging. Now here comes the hard part, I want you to think of where you would spend time if you where this person. I want you to put yourself in their shoes and think where you would go to socialize if you were them. This particular challenge will do two things for you. First, it will place you in the frame of mind of being with this person. Feel yourself being with your Mr. or Mrs. right. Second, it will open a world of possibilities regarding new places where you can meet this individual that you are questing for.

The second challenge has to do with the idea that we must be that which we want to attract. You see, the whole concept that great minds think alike is true. Did your parents ever tell you that if you hang with wolf you will learn to howl? Well, I hate to say it but this true. People tend to be attracted to those who think alike and act alike. You know, artist usually like to hang out with other artist. People with dynamic personalities tend to hang out with other with dynamic personalities. Sales guys hang out with sales guys etc. Therefore, in order to attract someone who possess the qualities in our list we must live to the every expectation we have of the amazing person we are looking for. We too must be honest, strong, responsible etc. Take some time and think about those people with whom you feel most comfortable with. Do they tend to have similar qualities as you? Well, keep in mind they will not have all the qualities you do but I would be willing to bet the reason why you are friends is because they share some quality or value that’s a core part of you. You don’t have to worry. If you look at your list and you look inside yourself in search of them, you will soon realize that they are also a part of you. Once you realize that these qualities are in fact a part of you, simply behave in the matter that highlights those qualities and soon you will attract those who posses similar qualities. When doing this, it’s important to understand that if you are a negative person and don’t allow yourself to have an open mind about this process, you will only attract negative people. If I was doing this, I would get excited about the possibilities. I would know that this process will take some time to actually begin to work and not jump to conclusions right away if something doesn’t go as planned right from the start. Remember, internal change takes a while. It’s been said that we must repeat an action 20 times before it becomes a habit. Don’t expect for new personality highlights to become habits over night. This is real work. We have to create new patterns in our brain and overwrite the old ones. These new habits will attract those people we want to meet but not until our new highlighted qualities become habits we do without having to think about them.

Remember, up until now, you have tried the local bars, coffee shop, match.com or whatever means and it hasn’t worked. Therefore, we must think outside the box. You must think different than everyone else. Originality is not easy but it’s not hard either, it just takes effort. Finding Mr. or Mrs. perfect is not hard but it does take originality and therefore, it takes effort.

I hope that some of these ideas work for you. If you find that you like the outcome of your experiment, please share your experience with me. If you would like for your comment to remain confidential, simply let me know and I’ll make sure not to post it. If while going through this process, you have a “a ha” moment and you have an idea that you would like to share, don’t hesitate to let me know. I look forward to hearing from you. Until next week 🙂

Alexis Solorzano

Figuring out what we want Thursday, Feb 11 2010 

As promised, I want to talk to you about ideas of how to figure out what you may be looking for in a partner. However, I would first like to thank you all for your comments and feedback.

After my last post, I spoke to a couple of friends who actually had taken the time to think about what they wanted. They had some pretty good ideas as to what they wanted in their partner. One of my friends had given a lot of thought to this and shared some really specific qualities of what they were looking for. However, there were a few things that still surprised me. One person felt that being too specific actually kept them from making a connection. Presently they have a different approach and try to be more flexible with their idea of what they want. As excited as I am about sharing my ideas I want you to understand that everyone is different. I can’t stress this enough. My ideas are to be used only as general guidelines. However, you have to let your heart tell you what really feels good to you. After all you are searching for your happiness.

When we talk about what we want, it is very important to identify core qualities we want or maybe need in our partner from things we would prefer in our partner. After all, we are trying to find that magical connection that can only be achieved if its rooted in our core. When I was younger, my idea of the perfect girl was a 5’10 to 6 foot, blond, about 130 to 140 lbs, fitness competitor, green eyes, milky white skin with a great smile. As you can see my motivation was not to find a deep rooted connection. Although my physical demands of the person I was looking for were really specific, these qualities were not the types of qualities that really help establish a deeply rooted connection. These qualities in my list where all superficial and did not tell me anything about the real person. The qualities on my list would be better categorized as preferences. Even though I would still prefer to have those things in my partner, now that I’m older, there are additional core qualities that would be hands down  more important to me. I think it’s safe to say that as you do this exercise some of the things in your list will also change. As for my list, the changes are dramatic. Allowing our self the flexibility to learn to appreciate different things is not only a good thing but necessary. If I was not open minded about my earlier list, I may have passed on meeting that amazing 5’6 red head, with the amazing attitude about life, who is honest, caring, warm, sweet, lighthearted, smart and funny. I’m sure at some point we have met someone who may have been perfect for us and missed the opportunity of being with them due to our focus being on the preferences and not the core qualities we need in our partner. I can honestly say I’m guilty of this and I’m just happy that I can reflect on it and know that I’ve learned from it. This only helps me have a clear yet open and flexible attitude about the perfect person for me.

Recently, someone asked me how I felt about sharing intimate things about myself with all of you? They have been a part of my life for a really long time and for as long as we’ve been friends, they’ve known me to be a rather privet person. My answer was “There are not enough words to describe how satisfying it is to me to help people be happy”. With this in mind I would like to guide you through an exercise that may help you determine what is important to you. I’ll do the exercise as it applies to me and share how I work through this myself. If you read this and feel that this will help you, I invite you to try it and share what you find out.

First I would start by thinking of qualities that are important to me and begin to list them. Remember, this list is not a list of preferences but rather a list of core values or qualities. They don’t have to be in any order so just have fun with this and write what comes to your mind.

Honesty

Loyalty

Lighthearted

Respectful

Adventurous

Healthy

Smart/Intelligent

Strong

Independent

Balanced

Positive

Trusting

As you can imagine, this list can become really long. For the example we will just use these 11 qualities. If you are doing this don’t worry about how long your list is. The more things on your list, the more clear you will be on what your needs are.

Now that we have our list, we need to find out what these things mean to us. You see, honesty can mean many different things and our interpretation of honesty may be different than that of our prospective partner. If we are clear on what honesty means to us, while we are getting to know our prospective partner, we can hold conversations about the topic and see if we agree with each other. As we get to know them, the more qualities that we agree on, the better the possibilities for a good connection.

Honesty:

  • Being truthful
  • Someone who is honest with themselves as well as with me
  • Someone who can tell me what they need from me

Loyalty:

  • Values me as special
  • Puts me and my needs first before anyone else other then themselves (kids being the exception to this)
  • Someone who share their intimacy only with me

Lighthearted:

  • Someone who can laugh at life
  • Someone who knows not to treat every situation like is life or death
  • Free spirited

Respectful:

  • Someone who keep our personal life personal
  • Someone who deals with disagreements in a collective manner
  • Someone who is not aggressive or insulting under any circumstance
  • Respect boundaries

Adventurous:

  • Willing to try new things
  • Open minded to share new ideas
  • A little on the wild side

Healthy:

  • Health conscious
  • Active
  • Tries to eat healthy

Smart/Intelligent:

  • Likes to learn new things
  • Intellect
  • Has educated opinions

Strong:

  • Not afraid
  • Can stand their ground
  • Dynamic

Independent:

  • Forms their own opinions and ideas
  • Not needy
  • Is their own person

Balanced :

  • Can separate personal life and professional life
  • Understands mind body and spirit
  • Thinks before acts

Positive:

  • Looks for the good in everything
  • Confident about their life
  • Enjoys life for what it is

Trusting:

  • Allows me to be me
  • Allows for me to feel like a free person
  • Know my intentions
  • Feels secure of what I offer

We have just drilled down the first layer of meaning for each and every one of the qualities on my list. To get a deeper sense of meaning from each one of these qualities, we can drill down a 2nd layer as shown below. We do this by asking the magical question. What does this mean to me? For example: Honesty, to me, means being truthful. What does being truthful mean? Whatever the answer to that question is would be the 2nd layer. If I wanted to go deeper, you could as the same questions about the answer you get and so on and so on.

Honesty:

  • Being truthful
    • 100% truth always regardless if the truth will hurt me
    • Someone who is honest with themselves as well as with me
      • Check with themselves to really know where they stand as far as us
      • Someone who can tell me what they need from me
      • Who is not afraid of how I will react regardless of what it is

Loyalty:

  • Values me as special
    • Unlike no other
    • Puts me and my needs first before anyone else other then themselves (kids being the exception to this)
      • My well being is their #1 concern
      • Someone who share their intimacy only with me
      • Shares intimate moments with me and keeps those things privet & special

Light Hearted:

  • Someone who can laugh at life
    • Can appreciate irony
    • Someone who knows not to treat every situation like is life or death
      • Faces problems as obstacles that can be overcome
      • Free spirited
      • Likes to have fun

Respectful:

  • Someone who keep our personal life personal
    • Deals with disagreements or emotional things in privet, respects public places
    • Someone who deals with disagreements in a collective manner
      • Behaves adult like and talks through things, understands we all make mistakes and works through them
      • Someone who is not aggressive or insulting under any circumstance
      • Knows we are both people and treats me as such
      • Respect boundaries
      • Doesn’t make me do anything I don’t want to

Adventurous:

  • Willing to try new things
    • Explores life with me
    • Open minded to share new ideas
      • Shares new experiences with me
      • A little on the wild side
      • Like a little adrenaline

Healthy:

  • Health conscious
    • Takes care of themselves
    • Active
      • Works out, stays fit
      • Tries to eat healthy
      • Not in to eating McDonalds everyday

Smart/Intelligent:

  • Likes to learn new things
    • Reeds
    • Intellect
      • educated
      • Has educated opinions
      • Shares what they learn or the interpretation of things they learn

Strong:

  • Not afraid
    • Fearless
    • Can stand their ground
      • Don’t have a problem facing life on their own
      • Strong enough to deal with my honesty without freaking out
      • Dynamic
      • Has purpose or goals

Independent:

  • Forms their own opinions and ideas
    • Doesn’t let people manipulate their thoughts
    • Not needy
      • Not clingy
      • Is their own person
      • They do what they want or like what they like not just what is cool by the eyes of society

Balanced :

  • Can separate personal life and professional life
    • Leaves work at work
    • Understands mind body and spirit
      • Values spiritual health, physical health & mental health
      • Thinks before acts
      • Is not emotional about everything and reactive all the time

Positive:

  • Looks for the good in everything
    • When things don’t go their way they look for the good that came from it
    • Confident about their life
      • Feels their life is great as long as they are doing their best
      • Enjoys life for what it is
      • Enjoys the ups and downs

Trusting:

  • Allows me to be me
    • Is not threaten by my being friendly and out going
    • Allows for me to feel like a free person
      • Understand that I’m with them because I want to be with them
      • Know my intentions
      • Knows at the end of the day I’m with them
      • Feels secure of what I offer

As you can see, you can really get a better picture of each of these qualities by drilling down and digging deeper. Now I’m only digging to the 2nd layer for this example. I recommend that you go at least 3 to 4 layers deep. By doing this, you might find out something new about yourself as well as who you are looking for. I hope that this helps you get a good understanding of your needs.

As you can imagine, I can’t share all of my ideas on this blog. Next week, I will be discussing actual strategy ideas of how to attract the people you like and need as well as where to look for these magical creatures that we so need in our lives. Thank you and I look forward to sharing more with you next Thursday.

By: Alexis Solorzano

The hit or miss strategy Thursday, Feb 4 2010 

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. Like many of us out there he is looking for that perfect girl that balances naughty and nice. He has been searching for the mystical creature for a while and even though he is having lots of fun and exciting adventures, it seems to me that he is becoming rather frustrated. Talking to him got me thinking. How can we find what we are all looking for?

The search for this answer was on. It all started as a simple experiment. At first I just wanted to know what people were looking for. Quickly I noticed a pattern. Every time I would ask the questions what do you look for in a girl? I would get the same answer. “I don’t know”. “I’m looking for a nice girl” “I’m looking for a girl with a killer body”. After hearing a few of my friend’s ideas of what they were looking for, I could not help but to think that they would never find it. The answers I got were just too general. I want a nice girl really doesn’t tell me anything. What does a killer body mean? Don’t get me wrong I know what a killer body means to me but do we as individuals know what we are looking for? Are we just blindly walking around with hope that we will by some form of miracle run into the mystical creature? A bigger questions is, is this strategy good enough?

I also wanted to know what girls were thinking and what they were looking for. Surprisingly, women (with some exceptions I’m sure) don’t have the slightest idea as to what it is they want. A nice guy with a job is not a good enough answer. What does “someone who treats me right” mean? Another misconception I came across is that money play a big role in matters of the heart. “I want a guy that takes me on expensive vacations” is about as shallow as the guy who is looking for the girl with double “Ds”.

After striking some really interesting conversation with many strangers in the bay area, I walked away somewhat confused. You see I felt somewhat upside down as far as my points off views. I’m really clear as to what I want and money is really not a factor in my search. I want to fall deep in love with someone who is caring and sweet. I’m looking for that fairy tale romance. You know, that romance that moves you when you hear about it, the one that includes “unconditional love”, where they love you for who you are and not for what you have. Furthermore, I would like to think that deep inside, we are all looking for love and not a transaction. None the less, there was one thing clear. There are a lot of people out there who are looking for something or someone with a hit or miss strategy.

This experiment was eye opening to me. Not only did I find out that we as people have no idea as to what we really want but I also found that I had no idea as to how to look for it. I’m guilty of it as well. I’m also a contributor. The hit or miss strategy was a part of my life and I didn’t even know it. Just like many of you I would walk into bars, pubs and clubs and order a drink looking for someone. I would strike conversations and have a few laughs and maybe even connect with someone whom I’d later go out with and share some good times only to end up right back where I started a few months later. Sometimes I would have the question in mind just like you. You know that question, “why can’t I find what I want?” Don’t get me wrong, I have no regrets and have enjoyed every bit of my experiences good or bad but this did not change the fact that this pattern was present in my life.

While processing through my experiment, I began to look at myself and began to wonder. Is this hit or miss strategy, this passive way of life was really good enough to find happiness? Let’s think about that. Do you treat anything important in your life with a hit or miss approach? When you were in college did you go to school with no real clear view of why you where there? If you had failed a class would just not give it a second thought and just enrolled in the next one with the same attitude and no real direction? I would guess not. At very least we would be hard on ourselves and try really hard to get it right the next time. In some cases I would say if we did fail at something and it was important to us, we would take on the challenge again and this time we would prepare for it. It’s intriguing to me how human connections are so important to us. Whether you are gay or straight, male or female, we are all looking for that special connection with someone. I would say it’s probably the most important thing in our lives really. Some girls dream of their wedding day from the time they are 5. Guys would never stop playing video games, ridding skate boards and go look for a job if it wasn’t that they want to have money to go out on dates. Sigmund Freud had a whole theory about how our very reason for human motivation was sex. Well, I don’t know about you guys but when I think of sex, I immediately think of another person. So, if personal interaction is so important why are we so passive & careless about what we need? If you don’t think the hit or miss strategy is good enough for you, come back next week for some ideas on how to develop a different strategy.

Help & Responsibility Friday, Jan 29 2010 

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of visiting a government office in charge of giving government assistance for those less fortunate. I was there helping a family friend that’s been down on his luck and really needs the help. The experience was eye opening and somewhat disturbing. We walked in and took a number to be seen. The wait was 2.5 hours long and this gave us plenty of time to chat about his current situation. It’s been a year sense he lost his job and needless to say the challenges of everyday life with kids has depleted his savings. After several months of struggling and selling his possessions to make ends meet, he had no choice but to ask for government assistance. This is a situation that appears to be more common that we think. This doesn’t surprise me. The booming economy that we are facing clearly contributes to these types of scenarios across the nation. While I was waiting, I began to feel somewhat confused. In the one hand, I was glad to know there’s a place extending help to those who have fallen. On the other hand after over hearing some conversations and observing some patterns, I could not help but to wonder at what point does helping become hurtful?

While seating on the chairs in the lobby, I noticed some patterns. About 8 out of 10 of the people waiting to be seen appear to be women under 30. Each one of them seemed to have anywhere between 3 to 5 kids. Their kids appeared to be about one year apart, 6 or 7 out of 10 appear to be from another nation and were speaking in their native tongue. As I looked around, I wondered about the sense of responsibility that we all share. As Americans we share the responsibility to keep our nation strong. Kennedy said best. “It’s not what our country can do for you. It’s what can you can do for your country” In the eyes the world, the United States of America is the land of opportunity. To me, opportunity means that individuals can work hard to create a better life. When I had a child, I faced my responsibility head on. I often worked two jobs to provide for my child. More importantly, I made sure not to have any more children. I knew I could not afford to have any more and like any responsible person, I made the appropriate choice. I can’t help but to feel that there are some people out there that take a vantage of our government. It seems they have translated “Land of opportunity” into the “Land of free pie”. It’s important to find a balance and educate those who lack the understanding of how their individual actions affect our way of life. Whether its ignorance, an individual irresponsibly defrauding our government or a corrupt politician corrupting our system, corruption is corruption and should be intolerable.

I am not writing this to insult anyone. I came to this country in search of a better life. I’m 36 yrs old and have a 20 year old son. I’ve never asked for a hand out and have worked hard to be a contributor to our society. I love this country and enjoy the opportunities and blanket of freedom it provides. Irresponsibility with our system serve as a drain to our economy and it’s important that we all take a step towards protecting the land of opportunity to insure that opportunities don’t run out.

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